Elvish Jokes
WINNER!
An Orc captain was marching his entire army to attack Rivendell, they were passing an old abandoned city when they heard a voice within the ancient city’s walls : "One Elf is better than ten orc soldiers!" The captain was enraged and immediately sent ten of his best troops over the walls while the remainder of the company waited outside. Then came the sounds of a terriffic fight going on, soon all was quiet. Then the voice spoke again "One Elven soldier is better than a hundred orc soldiers!" Well, the captain sent a hundred of his best troops over the walls. Soon came the sounds of a fight and then silence. The voice spoke up again "One elven soldier is better than a thousand orc soldiers!" The captain was furious! He immediately sent the remainder of his troops over the walls save only himself. (hey, one of the advantages of rank!) There came the sound of a fierce battle, and then silence followed by the sound of an elf laughing. Finally, one lone orc stumbled back from the battle and collapsed at the captains feet. "Speak! What happened?" asked the captain. The soldier replied with his last breath. "It....was... ....trap....there’s....two....of....them...."
~ Elenmir
Other Finalists
A Minion walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it’s none of my business, but what do have in the case?" Without saying a word, the minion opens the case and out pops a little man, about a foot high. He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to see who this guy is. Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years. "Hey that guy is great," he says to the minion with the case. "Where did you get him?" "I was in Orthanc," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned against the wall to rest. The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant just one wish." "That’s incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?" "Oh, it’s still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate each word." "Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn’t you?" "Tell me," the minion replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a twelve-inch pianist?"
~Ara
In the deep, secret places of Orthanc, there is a wondrous magical mirror. Legends say that if you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish … If you lie - *poof * - it swallows you up. One day, in the not-to-distant past, a Orc, a Dwarf, and a Foo-Foo Elf come across the mirror. The Orc approaches first …. He says" I think Orcs are the most-smarty creatures in Middle Earth" …. *Poof!* - the mirror swallows him up. The Dwarf now goes up to the mirror. He says" I think we Dwarves have the best sense of humor in Middle Earth" ….. *Poof!* - the mirror swallows him up too. Finally, the Foo-Foo Elf steps up to the Mirror. He says " I think ...” ..... *Poof!!*
~Rudhelin
An Elf loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the elf a flash of insight and, after mass, the elf goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Elf: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Elf Priest: Go ahead, son.
Elf: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Elf Prist: Is that so?
Elf: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.
Elf Prist: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Elf: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
~Lyk
There`s a dwarf that works in a fish market, he won`t say anything but"dunno" if you don`t tell him to say otherwise. One day the Dwarf was working at the register when a Hobbit came up to the counter and asked him a question
"How much is this fish?" she asked
"dunno" said the Dwarf
The Hobbit left and the owner of the store came saying:
"NO, NO ,NO! You`re supposed to say "fifty cents"
the Hobbit came back later and aked him again. This time the Dwarf replied:
"50 cents"
"How fresh is this fish?"the Hobbit asked.
"dunno" said the Dwarf
the Hobbit walked away and the owner ran up saying:
"No NO NO! You`resupposed to say "Very Very fresh."
The Hobbit came back later and asked him again. This time the Dwarf answered:
"Very Very fresh."
"should I buy this fish?" The Hobbit asked
"dunno" said the Dwarf
The Hobbit walked away again and the owner ran up saying:
"NO NO NO! You`re supposed to say"if you don`t someone else will!"
the owner walked away and the Hibbit lady came again and aske again. This time the Dwarf answered:
"If you dont someone else will!"
so, the Hobbit bought the fish. later that night, the Dwarf was still there, and a Minion of Mordor broke into the store and whent after the Dwarf. The dialouge is as follows:
"hiw much you got in the cash register?’
"Fifty cents!"
"are you getting fresh with me?!"
"Very Very fresh!"
"do you want me to punch you in the face?!"
"if you don`t some one else will!"
~Laurenar
Two elvies went hunting. Elladan had been hunting all his life, but Elrohir was hunting for the first time. Elladan told Elrohir to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when Elladan got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said to Elrohir. "Well, I was when the snake bit me," saidElrohir. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, ’Should we eat them or take them with us,’ I screamed."
~Lyk
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