Wizard's Chess, a game of strategy, cunning and intrigue. Well at least it's supposed to be! Here's what happened when the Wizard's of the White Council and some very special guests gave it a go under the direction of Istari Game Master Arwe Tolman!
Your first move:
Everyone get up and do the chicken dance! You did? Good. Now tell me how it
felt to be a chicken, what a chicken thinks about, and why did you cross the
road to Isengard?
I, Le Bob of Shallowbrook, man of an inhumanly IQ, transfigured into a fowl of special stupidity and ignorance. Though many say ignorance is bliss, I may ascertain you all that as such is mere invention of the mind. All I could bend my thoughts on, was an earthworm that with special prowess I pulled from the earth, and ate. Indeed, you hear it well, my dear friends, I ate a rainworm WITHOUT PARSLEY OR SAGE! Great terror, understandably, overwhelmed me, and I think I ruptured the very foundations of time, and teared apart the fabric of space. I ran across the street, lured by the smell of a big, fat maggot, and then *snap* a trap sprung. I awoke, only to find myself in the cooking pot of one that called himself Hugh, yet then reversed the accursed spell.
(Le Bob)
With apologies to Mormegil: Bkawk, bkwak. I felt the awesome surge of Poultry
Power! As the mighty Chicken of Arnor, I actually felt a tremendous sense
of responsibility. I thought about Spammers and ways to make them pay for
their misdeeds. Though I was no Spring Chicken, I was still able to impress
the Chicks. Though I don’t like to crow about my skills, I was proud
as a peacock of how I handled myself. ’Twas duty and hunger that took
me to Isengard, as I had heard tales of delicious fields of Spam on which
I could feast!
(Hoyamir)
ERU has called you before him, for the weekend. Space
is tight, so you are only allowed to bring three items. Tell me what they
are, and why you chose them.
Three things to take to Eru...?
1. A bunch of flowers - it never hurts to bring along a pressie! Who knows,
maybe He wants to see me becuase I did something wrong, maybe flowers will
soften the blow, especially if he uses them as a club...
2. A box of tissues - incase he has hayfever, and if he doesn’t, well,
I do, so I’ll be needing them
3. My best robes - its always best to dress your finest when meeting important
people! Besides, I got them made specially for just such a moment - I don’t
want to waste them! Opportunities like this only come once in a lifetime.
It also might be a good idea not to appear infront of him naked...might give
the wrong impression!
(Starbreeze)
I bought a matched pair of horses to pull my wagon.
I thought it would be too heavy for one horse, and a matched set would look
really smart. Unfortunately, there is a small problem. These horses were foaled
together, and raised together. They have developed an extreme case of sibling
rivalry. If one goes left, the other tries to go right. They pout if I try
to get them to work together, and whenever I turn my back one or the other
is always yelling, "He’s touching me!"
I need help. Could you please council me, and my horses?
Cut the two horses in half! He says, in his most regal tones. Hey! Why are you looking at me like that? It worked for Solomon, didn’t it? Fine, fine...
If that’s not acceptable, then I would recommend a solution that always worked for my father: When they start fighting, look very mad and threaten them, saying: "If you two don’t cut that out, I’ll turn this cart around and we’ll ALL go home!" Somehow, we always fell for that, and if your horses are no brighter than I was as a child, you should be fine!
(Hoyamir)
While searching for secret rooms in Orthanc, we found
we have a small rat problem in the dungeon. Large rats; small problem.
So your mission, should you decide to accept it: out of ordinary kitchen items
- build something (like a better rat trap, or something scary enough to drive
them away), or whip up a concoction that will take care of our problem.
I know working in the kitchen gives Bob an edge, so you have to beat him at
his own game.
Your solution is simple. Take the large iron frying pan (which we’ll call Wacakfoe as an homage to Gwaihir) and file off a large pile of iron shavings. Then blend those shavings into a nice, soft cheese (brie works, as does most goat cheese, feta, or mozarella). Leave the cheese out for the rats, and then line a board with powerful magnets (what ktichen doesn’t have magnets)? When the rats eat the cheese, they’ll also eat the iron filings. They will then be irresistibly attracted to the magnets, making it easier to collect them and dispose of them.
(Hoyamir)
Speaking of puns, let’s go for a real groaner of a round. You know some
are so bad, they’re good. So give me the best one you can come up with,
or steal.
a rope goes into a bar and orders a shot of tequila. ’’Sorry," says the bartender, "we dont sell drinks to ropes. so the rope leaves and comes back an hour later. again he orders his tequila. Again the bartender says, "Hey man, didn’t i tell you earlier, we do not sell drinks to ropes." The ropes goes into the bathroom and works himself into a knot making sure to puff out all of his fibers and make himself look quite frizzy. he leaves the bathroom and orders his tequila at the bar again. the bartender looks at him a moment and asks, "Are you a rope?" the rope replied, "I’m afraid not."
Get it? a frayed knot.
(thewhiterider)
Refreshments! We have been playing long and hard,
so snacks and drinks should be in order. Nobody will mind if we eat during
the game. Just don’t get any crumbs on the table.
This is pot-luck. Everyone bring a treat and a drink, to share with everyone.
Exotic is OK, were all brave souls, here. Tell us what you’ve made, and
remember to name them.
So, dazzle us with your delectable delights.
Ooh! … My favorite food! …Well, my favorite of course is “Fish
Tacos with chocolate Sauce, but I’m sure you won’t let me bring
that. So, I guess my second favorite dish would be the flaming ’Haggis
Jubilee’ dessert. As for the correct drink to accompany it, the only
thing acceptable to have with Haggis Jubilee is Doctor Percy’s Restorative
Fizz. It has proven in the past to annul the effects of even the most stubborn
Haggis dish … and it’s quite tasty, especially the gooseberry flavor.
Oh, and to clear up the most common mistaken belief about the haggis is that it is some kind of sheep’s stomach stuffed with innards and oatmeal. This somewhat macabre idea dates back many centuries. Its origins lie in a Dunlandish fertility ceremony which featured a parade of creatures known to produce large numbers of offspring. The haggis was one such animal. However, as hunting techniques were not as sophisticated as they were then and - for reasons explained in The Haggis in Gondor’s History - haggis numbers were low, the Dunlandish priests often had to make do with a model for these ceremonies. Said model haggis was made from an inflated sheep bladder, hence the myth.
(Rudhelin)
*Walks in with a plate of delicious food* This is the Medlee of Fly Trap Flowers and Pink and Purple Pocadotted Elephant Entrails. They have been cooked in a sensational seasoning of ground Pipe Leaf, and it is served over a Rice cooked in Ent Drought and mixed with Wild Warg Windpipe. It is absolutely marvelous with a cup of a Rivendell miruvor accented with an elixir of Mallorn and the finest drop of elven essences.
(maiarian man)
It’s Rhyme Time
Don’t you just love limmericks
So twiddle those pencils, and compose one for our enjoyment. (We’re all
way to full to do anything physical)
It must be your own composition, and ME related.
A God thingy known as Eru,
Made Arda with his Valar crew.
They then made the elves,
Were proud of themselves,
’Til everything turned out foo-foo!
(Grey Pilgrim)
Next, being an intrepid snoop... er, reporter, I
found out an amazing thing. Our fearless leader, WG, has buried a large chest
in the rose garden. From the eyewitness account I received, it was heavily
chained. On the side was written, "Keep out! This is my stuff. Do not
open. It’s none of your business."
Well... normally, I would totally respect someone’s privacy, but this
is buried on public grounds, right? So, I thought YOU could accidently dig
it up, open it, and tell us what’s inside! Aren’t you curious?
*Zion wanders over to the gardens and pulls out a spoon, he looks at it then shrugs and starts digging in the rose garden. After many long days and nights he finally unearths WG’s chest. It’s locked though. Thinking again he pulls out his fork and fiddles with the lock - it opens up and a golden glow comes out Zion reaches down and pulls out...*
1 can of golden valley peaches
1 box which reads this way up on both sides and cannot be opened
2 sets of trousers with the label made in Mordor on them
1 palintir video labeled "The greatest works of Rudhelin"
2 pairs of El Sila’s shoes and her ball gown.
A book on "How to be Saruman"
5 WG jallepino waffles
A Jumbo sized bag of GP’s mini umbrella’s
2 socks both which read Tolman’s feet only.
2 pairs of underpants one which reads Tuesday the other says November
1 toliet seat with a blue mime in it
*Zion look arounds gasps, puts his hand in the chest and pulls out a knife, he pockets this and then closes the chest and spends the next few days burrying the chest once more*
(Zion)
Skyluth has been such a smashing success, that Luth
has been picturing even greater things happening. Delusions of grandeur, if
you will. It’s mostly because she had a very disconcerting night, and
she is a tad confused right now. Things will probably return to normal, tomorrow,
but right now, she is thinking of renown and riches. Why not turn Orthanc
into an exclusive spa! There’s plenty of room; a 5 star restaraunt; the
lake could be levitated again, to provide mud baths; we have plenty of Bob’s
leftover hair care products; there are elves who would love to open a ritzy
salon.
Before she fell asleep at her desk, Luth jotted down a note: Rules of Ettiquette
and Dress Code. Underneath was a large ? Now, I know what she was thinking.
Those old rules, like you can’t wear white in the winter, or red wine
is never served with fish. The salad fork goes to the outside.
I think we should help her out. We can certainly do better than that boring,
stuffy old list.
Make a list of what you think some of the Rules of Ettiquette should be, and
throw in a dress code, too.
Rules of Etiquette:
- Gentlemen wizards shall all wear pinstriped robes and polka dotted bow ties. If you do not own these items the establishment will provide them for you.
-Lady wizards are expected to wear peacock feathers in their hair at all times. If in some event you are unable to find a peacock feather, an Ostrich feather may be substituted.
-Regardless of what is being served, guests are only permitted to eat with chop sticks.
- Calling the Dwarven masseuse an "oompa loompa" will immediately result in the revocation of your membership priviliges.
- During spa times, towel snapping is required. Prizes will be handed out daily to who ever causes the biggest welt.
- Animals are not permitted inside the spa at any time. Please tether them in the parking lot where they will be cared for by Bob...
-In this establishment, no shoes = service.
- In the event of an emergency, please panic, flail your arms about wildly and scream at the top of your lungs. If you are able to retain some amount of reason, sit down on the floor and wait for Eru to save you.
(Elen Sila)
Meanwhile, we had a small problem, last night. Hawk
has this snake, Kaa, who seems to have developed a taste for wizards. If not
for our daring and noble El, we would have one less wizard, today. The wizard
involved, is now locked in the tower, undergoing intense therapy for post
traumatic snake syndrome.
You, who are not wizards, may think this is not your problem. But if it can
happen to us....
I’m reasonably sure that Hawk will not leave his snake in Rowan. And
since he is El’s husband, we can hardly ban him from Orthanc. Luth tried
giving out snake kibble, but it didn’t go over well.
We, therefore are going to create a snake treat that will have all the essence
of wizard, without the calories or actual wizard.
Create a snake biscuit, containing what you think a wizard is comprised of.
We know we’re not all sweetness and light, so include the good, bad,
and ridiculous. We need to fool a really smart, but slightly OCD snake.
Drat! I forgot to post! Hits head against the wall. Oh well.
Wizard like food, hmmm?
Perhaps now we know what happned to the other Istari who went East but were never heard from again?
Every Istari shaves his or her legs. Peels off some skin as well. Mix in a few drops of blood from a few Istari. Put into a bowl and mix with corn meal. Also add some sleeping pills. Form into biscuit and bake for three hours over a hot wizard fire. Then give to the snake. When it falls asleep we kidnap it and take it to Mordor to throw into Mt. Doom or possibly toss into Sauron’s bedroom.
(Halloran)
You’ve been working really hard, so here is
short one (maybe).
Dictionary time:
Bocifedousponkinitis
I just gave you the word - now you give me the definition.
Bocifedousponkinitis! what a word! lets go through and examine it piece by piece, shall we?
Bo - This implies that the word can only be used in accordance with males.
Ci - Pronounced ’chee’ as in ’cheeky’. This is taken from
the entish word ’oochee’ which has two meanings: dine and gopher
Fe - Pronounced fee, this syllable indicates that there is a fee, or cost,
of doing (or preventing) something
Do - This implies that an action is to be taken in order for something to
happen
Us - A part of the word ’musk’, i believe that the M and the K were
dropped in order to shorten the already quite long word
Ponk - This is the animal that we know more commonly as the llama
Initis - this part obviously means that it is a disease of some sort
After looking at that expertly done analysis, it’s hard to argue with
the already quite obvious meaning: clearly, Bocifedousponkinitis is a disease
that is only found in males in which the victim has a desire to dine on the
delicacy of innocent little gophers, with the only possible way of preventing
this desire being to bathe themself in a vat of llama musk!
(thewhiterider)
You see a wizard, pointing his staff at a cow in
a field. He speaks the spell - Serendala Gygoberol. What is going to happen
to that cow?
Serendala=surrender
Gygo=fancy way to say milk in a spell
berol=barrel
Thus, the cow will commence to milk itself and then deliver the milk to the wizard in barrels. The spell is very useful as it prevent the otherwise necessary labor involved in milking cows.
(maiarian man)
You have been standing a little too close to Bob
and Nissy. You’ve decided you want to be King or Queen of the world!
You know you can’t do it alone. You need supporters. What kind of campaign
promises will get you the support you need? What will you promise us, to get
us to put you on the throne?
I’m a modest elf, and therefor I will only promise you a fair reign.
(but also free palantirs for everybody who votes on me!) I wont try to bribe
you into voting on me (vote for me and get a nice remote control that matches
your palantir color!) cause that will be not fair (vote for me, and I will
grant you 1 wish!) so if you want a fair reign, vote for me!
(Merlome)
I’ve heard you should keep a healthy level of
insanity. Do something crazy every day.
Example: Skip, don’t walk.
Finish all your sentences with ’in accordance with the prophecy’
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. After everyone is over their caffiene
addiction, switch to expresso.
What’s your suggestion?
- Wreathe yourself in black and randomly pick a person against whom you grimly
say ’The black wind howls, it tells me you shall perish shortly’
- After you’ve gone to the elite première of Two Towers, and walk
past some LotR freaks, say things like ’Gandalf’s marrying Frodo’
and ’Sauron’s a woman’
(Le Bob)
~ Wear pink and orange polka dots on your clothes, and paint your nails to
match.
~Go round quoting random quotes from books at people
~Aim to scare one small child a day
~Wear a red nose and antlers
~Cut a malteser in half and stick each half to one side of your face, then
grin inanely at everyone
~Sit in a corner and mutter nursery rhymes
~Dress up in medieval (renaissance if your’re american) clothes, make
a sword and scabbard and a money pouch, and prance around the streets of your
home town (this is fun - I recommend it!)
~Backcomb your hair and spray it with hair spray, then see if anyone notices
~In Summer, dress up in skis, a wooley hat, jumper and gloves, and a long
knitted scarf - and see if anyone notices that you’re not wearing any
trousers
(Starbreeze)
Wizards are always ready to lend a hand, come to
your aid if you need them, and be wide awake and alert when necessary. But,
sometimes we have trouble getting up in the morning. We like to sleep in.
It must be due to all those late nights wizarding. So... what’s your
sure-fire way to get a wizard moving in the morning - should you need one.
I would think a balrog licking the toes of the foot that hangeth out from under the covers would do it quite nicely .
(Laielinwen)
Tell us all, during your wanderings around the lawns and halls of Orthanc, what was the best ’or’ worst thing that happened to you, today.
My bestest friend Rud knew I was sick so he came on by with some taco soup to make me feel better, (that wasn’t the worstest part though). While he was visiting, he noticed that my nose was all sore and chapping from repeatedly having to blow it. He said "I’ll fix it!" and before I could do anything to stop him, he waved his staff, muttered a spell, and VIOLA! My nose fell right off my face and into my lap! What a mess... it was quite uncomfortable. As Rud pointed out... "at least its not sore any more". We had to go run and get Wedgie to come magic it back onto my face... yes, I’ve had better days...
(Elen Sila)
I just read some very interesting Rules of Life.
One was: Never give yourself a haircut after 3 margaritas (What was that drink
again, Gondorians? A screaming Nazgul? 3 of them)
Another: You only need two tools. WD40 (wizards darn-good oil) and duct tape.
If it is supposed to move,and doesn’t, use the WD40. If it moves, but
isn’t supposed to, use the duct tape. Rudhelin suggested duct tape to
me when I had a small daycare problem, and I can vouch for it.
Anyway, what is one of your Rules Of Life?
One of my rules of life.
-If I am holding it - its mine
-If you leave it in my house - its mine
-If I like it - its mine
-If I want it - It’s mine
-If I hear about it - it’s mine
-If I see it - it’s mine
-If you have it - its mine
-If someone else has got it - its mine
-If you put it down - its mine
-its all MINE!
(Zion)
Gall has let it slip to me that if Galadriel is found
guilty, in her trial here, the elves are preparing to riot. What does an elf
do in a riot? (I’ve heard they’re a bit foo-foo) How do you stop
them from rioting?
(To the tune of L-O-V-E, with apologies to those that have to read it)
R is for the way they Run at you.
I is for the Insane things they do.
O is in groups Only (just one gets so lonely)
T is Tougher still than anything that you can kill
The basic weapons of the Elven riot are the Glomp and the Poke. If you can survive these two frightening assaults, you’re in the clear. Of course, no one has ever done so...but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, now does it?
And, unfortunately, there’s no way to stop an Elven frenzy once it’s started. The best you can hope for is to find someone else to throw at them and hope they turn their wrath toward the new target.
Good luck! (You’ll need it!)
(Hoyamir)
All I’ve heard lately is talk, talk, talk about
the Wedgie dance. So, yay, we’re going to dance once more for old times
sake. So let’s all get up and do the Wedgie! Unfortunately, I’ve
never seen it done. El has danced it, so she’s one up on me. I don’t
think Wedgie is that clear on it. So describe for me the Wedgie (dance!) So
I can learn it, too. If you need help, ask Wedgie, or El for a demonstration.
I heard some of you were interested in Wedgie Dancing and thought this might help. I got them in from the Wedgie Dance Agency the other day through Eagle Mail from Valinor.*he hands out a pamplet to each of the contestants*
Your Guide to Wedgie Dancing©
The Official Dance of Wedgies
The Origin of the Wedgie
There are many forms of the Wedgie dance that can be done. In fact, every
country and nation has its own way. But the real Wedgie Dance originated in
Aman in Valinor. The Valar and Maiar were all sitting around the Ring of Doom,
minding there own business when Wedgie walked in. (He was still a very young
Maia at this time) The Valar were all depressed about things going on in ME
so Wedgie decided to try to be encouraging. He walked into the center of the
group and turned on the palantir to VALI 95.1. This was a particularly grooving
Palantir station and WG thought a dance would be apropriate. Here’s what
he did...
The Basics of Wedgie Dancing
Most do not know, but the Wedgie dance has six main steps that have become
the building blocks of all other Wedgies. The basic Wedgie Dance is simple
and is the bases for all other interpretations(yes, even Rud’s. *Cringes*)
Step One: Begin a semi-rotating movement of the upper and lower body. Somewhat
like the twist.
Step Two: Move your arms and hands back and forth and your head side to side(this
part may take practice).
Step Three: Stick your right leg out, while continuing the above movements,
and twist your foot back and forth on your ankle.
Step Four: Bring your Right leg in and put you left leg out(thats right! The
Hokey Pokey is a variation of the Wedgie Dance...you didn’t know that?).
Do the previous motions with your left foot instead.
Step Five: Bring your left foot in and then turn your back to the audience.
Afterwhich you will wiggle your bottom back and forth.(thats the big finish)
Step Six: If you have impeccably completed the last five steps your audiance
will be in awe of your skills and may not applaud or may even burst into laughter
and/or tears because of their extreme joy. Take a bow and live in glory and
slpendor for the rest of your days.
So what happened at the Ring of Doom that day? All the Valar in Maiar joined
in. Melkor watched the whole thing from the Pelori in disgust and rage and
came over and knocked down our trees.
Making your Own Wedgie Dance
Making your own Wedgie dance is simple and easy to do. Though to be called
a true Wedgie Dance interpretation it must be based on these six steps above.
Of course, there are many Wedgie Dances that may not. This has been accepted
and recognized by the Wedgie Dance Agency(WDA) as part of a movement to popularize
Wedgie Dancing throughout the world. Be free with your dance moves and make
your own way of doing things.
Learning More About the Wedgie
Want to learn more about the Wedgie Dance and become a expert on the art of
making your own dances? Here’s a few things you can look into-
Contact the WDA- This international agency will send you more information
about the Wedgie and you can even become part of the mailing list. Inquiries
to-
Wedgie Dance Agency
15 Ulmo Shores Road
Valinor, Aman, Ea
Become a Member of a Wedgie Dance Class- This class currently takes place
in Isengard, in room 72 of Orthanc. Call 1- 800- Saruman- Wedgie through Palantir
for details.
Property of the Wedgie Dance Agency© FA
(Wedgie)
With all the weddings, romance, flowers, and budding new possibilities going on around here, one of the house elves came to me the other day, wanting to know how he could make himself more appealing to the opposite sex. So come on guys, give him your top 3 ways to make a Don Juan out of a house elf.
Let’s see a I’m working with a house elf here...hmm.... remembers
back to her days in Rivendell and compares the house elves to Aragorn (ME’s
Don Juan)....
First... said house elf would need to take his long thin arms and legs to
the ME gym for some serious pumping up. Legolifts and Telericep exercises
a must!
Second... said house elf, naturally clean would need a tad...literally of
middle earth applied in just the right places so he would appear as an adventurer
and warrior... like that handsome sweaty guy the King.
Third.... said house elf would need lessons in wooing a cultured lady. Seeking
out lessons in song and dance from Tom Bombadil; lessons in appearing brighter
than you are from Glorfindel; lessons in giving her gifts that will leave
her breathless from the wraiths of the Barrow Downs; and lessons in the finer
arts of drawing her to you and bending her will to yours by Sauron after slipping
the One (Engagement)Ring on her finger.
(Laielinwen)
We wizards have invaded Bob’s bathroom, and
El’s, and speculated on Wedgie’s. Now I want you to take a mental
tour of one of your teammates or opponents bathrooms, and tell us what you
think they have in there. Look in the medicine cabinet; check out the tub;
etc.
Hal walks into Hoya’s bathroom. He sees soap, shampoo, shaving cream, a razor. Sees no toothpaste or toothbrush. Thinks this is odd becuase Hoya has such white teeth. goes through the cupboards and finds Mordorian Migraine Remover pills, Gondorian Leeches ala Lai (he is under her spell with those mind altering leeches. tsk tsk. Lai is number one. Lai is the queen of th universe.) Shakes head and continues. Hobbit Helper? Doesn’t want to know. Then he sees it Dunlending Denture Stain Remover! Ah ha!!! He lost his teeth! Ha! Too many candies as a kid. Poor Hoya. He is about to leave when he spots a clothes hamper and thinks why not? Pulls out some old Ranger uniforms, a black shirt, a blue hanky. Digs deeper and finds... Stockings? A girdle? A green dress. Oh no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Runs out screaming as the horrible truth is reavealed! Stay tuned for part two of this very special episode of Inside Hoyamir’s Bathroom!
(Halloran)
*Answers compiled by Grey Pilgrim*
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