Here they are! Some of the wackiest quotes to ever be collected in the wackiest place: The White Council! Typically known as home to some of Middle Earth's craziest inhabitants, is also home to some of the funniest visitors, which gives way to some of the the nuttiest conversations... you get my drift! Whether it be a judge with a rumbly tummy, a wizard with a master crayon drawing, a Vala with a hidden hobbit crime, a jealous wizard with a shrubbery fettish, or an Enigma with a philosophy on meditation- you can find that collection here!

Hold on to your pointy hats!
 

Compiled by Grey Pilgrim:

Gwaihir: Can you suggest any possible changes that could be made to improve life for newbies?  ..can’t think of anything yet..besides a Spa, mudbaths, pedicures, manicures, aura healing, soulcleansing beverages, magic cards, tea leaf readings, an Istari choir, and of course vocal classes(please!!), free food stamps, and maybe build a rollercoaster outside Orthanc weeeeeeee imagine rushing down in crazy loopings and see Gandalf up side down while you throw up your Wizzburger!! , a fastfood restaurant, a synchronised swimming team ...er...eh..and loads and loads of fashion, love harmony and romance..darlings that way it will be a blast....
 

Thal: The door bursts open and in flies Llama Man. The result of being bitten by a radioactive llama as a child, he had been granted super-human-stroke-llama abilities and had since used them to make Arda a better place for llama-kind. He glares down at the evil naughty people that would make meaty snacks from his brethren, and gives them each a smack around the head with a lobster from his utility belt. He suddenly looks out of the window to the sky, where a spot-light with the silhouette of a llama on it as flashing across the clouds. With a swirl of his cape, he zooms out of the window and into his llama-mobile.
GP: *gazing in admiration as Llama Man leaves the room, GP wishes she had one of those funky utility belts. Of course, she would be more likely to use a kipper. Aah, kippers! That brings her back to her time spent on a cruise ship down the Anduin... passing the Argonath and their stern faces filled the wizard with such wonder...* Oh, wait, that has nothing to do with kippers at all! *blinking at the odd looks from the others, Geep turns to Ana and slips her a piece of paper* That’s where you’ll find his Head Quarters... rumour has it he lives in an old transformed warehouse in Gondor, which was also bitten by a radioactive llama.
 

PG: I am the Donkeh, the Subaru, Peegimus and it is my doodie to spam up the White Council while El is otherwise ocupado and SaruPhil is off working on some weird Uruk Hai - Rhino crossbreed. I am impervious to banishment and other nasty wizzie type punishments. But if El comes lookin for me...it was all ShEru's idea!

El: *Some where, far far away by the Bay of Tampa (which is just next to Belfalas), a blood curdling scream echoes across the water. What was that? Had someone stepped on the tail of the one white cat? Had Aimery opened another pub? Nay, it was Elen Sila checking in via palantír....*

PG: *Throws ShEru under the bus and runs*

 

Gelebruin: *Gelebruin, having spent many years training deaf rats, does know the sign language quite well, but this strange dialect is puzzling him*"The sun is shining on the milkshake as I put the man in my hat with lice?

Hawk: I come from Meduseld with a most important message for...  
ooh... is that an... apricot??? 

Trillian: Oh and I had a bit of extra material so I made you a lovely little llama doll that you can carry around with you.

Devin: Choose an animal that you identify with, or admire, and explain why? A penguin, because they are very keen and secretive, they actually CAN fly, they just don't let you know.

Ultchuk: I was always bad in choices. In my early Istarhood I would always end up with three ice creams and .. stomach-ache.

Geep: I quite fancy some new wallpaper, at the moment I just have cream walls covered with posters of Frodo and, well, to tell the truth I've kinda gone off him. The foot hair and size I can cope with, but he needs to rethink his wardrobe.

Nerresta: It would obviously follow then that to take the opposite of chocolate would cause te opposite effect.  As everyone knows, the opposite of chocolate is vanilla.

Penryn: Doc Pen is holding The Lunar Loonies: A Look at People with Mooning Problems as she walks into the Orthanc Therapy Clinic for a new day's work.

 

Ana: "People have told me that, well, that I have, *gulp* found my sanity!  What people?  Why the little ones that visit me in my room, of course!  But don't tell anyone, I couldn't bear it if they thought I was... normal!  Please, I couldn't take it if what they say is true!  "

Otter Fairy: "Help!  I'm stuck in a paper bag!"

Dume to Otter Fairy: * Otter known better than to mess with damsels in distress or even dat dress *

Dume: Are you quite sure about the toucans? Personally I think that you might just be batty, but then again I’m not a Doctor

Dume: Well am I right or a Meringue?

 

Compiled by Dumenelion:

Doc Six Beleriand: As I said before there is no cure for Mirluenza, save by petition to the gods

Dinhilion: What were you four favorite toys as a little maia? Well, i had a fake staff and sword set, a Gandalf action fiqure, a Warg action fiquire, and a awesome little bear

Doc Nerresta: No one can marry a foo-foo elf unless they qualify in one of two areas.  First, they must either have some fraction of foo-fooness within themselves already, or second, they must be sufferring from temporary blindness. 

Otter Fairy:*A paper bag hops into the room*
"You hear the foo, you see the pink and feathery foo, there is only one answer your inner Maiar is longing for expression. 

Deedles: burst out in a loud noise similar to that of a yawning rooster. Ya-coodle-fing-aqlim-erfor-gen!

Mara: Mara skips towards the door singing "I'm going to be a wizard, I'm going to be a wizard", but suddenly remembers that she needs to be dignified.  She coughs in embarrassment and starts walking in what she believes is a majestic way.  She looks quite ridiculous of course, because she's only a little candle, wearing huge mittens and a tatty green dress with a silly slogan on the back.  She turns back to Dume and waves good-bye.  "Next time you see me I'm going to be a wizard!" she says proudly, and leaves.

Doc Penryn to Anadriewen (Shadowfax): Can you do a jig with your hooves? If not, what dances can you do?

Geepster: did you know the nazgûl actually came from Loch Ness? That’s what I believe…

Doc Penryn: I believe that your current difficulty is caused from a cross between your Shadowfax self and your Ana self. Shadowfax is, as you know, a being totally in tune with his own self and nature. He is serene, and absolutely, completely sane. Ana, as you know, is a silly wizzie, who, although a darling, is absolutely and completely insane. Your Anaself has forced itself up into your Shadowself and has shown up as little pointy-bearded men that wear funny little pink overall over white shirts with yellow polka dots and funny little bright purple hats telling you that you're sane. (Someone should point them in the direction of the robe shop!)

Pyewacket: " Swimming?"  Pyewacket looks at the Doc, wondering what in the world swimming has to do with her problem

Doc Six Beleriand to Umarth...Oh now those are nice fangs!" Doc Six said as she practically crammed a mint leaf in her nose

Ivanhoe: slumps onto a chair like a wet towel

Ivanhoe: pokes through the hole in Dume's paper bag with a long, slender and superbly elegant elven index.

Geepster: Derom took our couch in the divorce settlement so it's a bit of a novelty. It's ok though, I got the palantir instead!

 

Found by Teleria:

 

Eithil: I climbed half the Dimrill stairs there - can I have my Wedgieccino now?

 

 

Compiled by Wedgie:

 
Tilly: Istari of Isengard!  Hearken to me.  Hear my words, oh Wizzies of Orthanc.  How long have we suffered the grievances of elfkind?  How long have they smogged the air with saccharine coated love ballads?  How long have they taunted us with those exploding flower, and blinding lightbulb icons?  How long have they polluted our pubs with nausiating displays of vomitous foo fooness?  TOO LONG!  It is time for evil everywhere to unite under one banner, one leader, one cause, to purge this Middle Earth of pansy sniffing elves forever! 

She threw back her head and let out a shril cackle, grapsing the air with improbably long red claw press-on nails, and adding a purring sound on her r's.  Muahahahha!  I join the forrrrces of Morrrdoorrr!  Bowing, she laid her gruesome new weapon at Mirluin's feet.  Whatever ye and the Eyeball command, I shall be ally to it. 

 

Mirluin Ererana, An excerpt from Isubollo and Willow:

Isubollo:
But, soft! What smell through yonder hobbit hole breaks?
It is the mealtime and Willow is the apple pie! -
Arise, sweet pie, and kill the envious cherry tart
Who is already rancid and spoiled with grief,
That thou art far more tasty than she ...

Willow:
*burp*

Isubollo:
She speaks! O, speak again, tart apple! for thou art
As glorious  to this garden, being a fruit among flowers
As is a dozen half pints o' beer at the pub
Unto the parched and aching throats
Of hobbits that have gone three hours without ...

Willow:
O Isubollo, Isubollo! wherefore art thou Isubollo?
Deny thy fungi and refuse thy shrooms
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a mushroom Tiller.

 

Compiled by Anna Calenear

 

Earane Ancalime: Ears come in with a large tray full of toad-in-the-hole [which is basically Yorkshire pudding mix (which is a savoury batter) with sausages in it].
She leaves.
She comes in again bringing a large tureen of stew, with lots of meat and chunky vegetables.
She leaves.
She comes in again with a tray of cold sliced meat and some sausages on sticks.
She nearly leaves but is accosted at the door, "Where's all this food coming from?"
She has the grace to blush, "Er, I was driving my new oliphaunt when there was this little accident ..."

 

Found by Phil

 

Elk/Maedhros:  That sounds like a really cool Wedgie!

 

Dug up by Serveanthesia
 

OlorinmrCurunir: if gandalf went super-uber-maia-istar-butt-kicking-mode, the witch king would have been flattened to a pancake, so don't gloat.

 

Found by Faldras:
 

Mac: Openned a package I thought rather large for the one ring, and found a pizza with the inside eaten, leaving one complete ring of crust.  You are sick. 

 
 

Compiled by Nerdinpink
 

Taliesin: Never have liked squirrls they try to store nuts under my hat.

Geep: Teflon... teflon... tef... ah, there we go! Teflon! Ooh, so that's how he keeps it so shiney! And here I was thinking it was over-abundant use of Daz.

Fíngölfin: I....Need...Marshmallows

Nerd in Pink: I love chocolate as it lubricates my brain.

Taliesin: The harbour being a place brd normally avoided he felt drawn to it this day for some odd reason.  Probably due to the shock of a squirlly attack recently in the Orchards of Nan Curnir at the hands of Saruphil, which he ws still looking to avenge himself for.

Pallador: The old sea dog shifted his weight, his wooden leg banging against the wall. He'd lost the real one to a green sea lizard, and had been shorebound ever since.

Varsactanis:  The overeager young novice seems to be becoming more endangered by the second, as he has heavy ropes, knapsacks, and threats involving orc blades thrown in his general direction.

Philthrandir:  He catches the eyes of a few he had a run-in with only a couple weeks back in the Orchard, and felt something very similar to a sitting duck.

Taliesin:  With a kind smile Birdagast blew the whstle once more and the gulls disapated returning to thier scavenging for food, one depositing a rather odorous fluid just beside Saruphil as a warning of sorts.

Varsactanis:  What is going on? There's no logic here! It's like I'm in Rohan!

 

Compiled by Taliesin

 

El's siggy: "You know Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help"

Phil:  Hey!  HEY!!!  Get back here with my robe, or I'll call down all manners of squirrelly thunder!
 
...squirrels came pouring down the tree trunks like orcs from the pillars of Moria to surround the thief.  Nuts had many friends, and though Radagast was a lover of beasts, birds, and all of nature, Saruman had the corner on the squirrel market, and as he approached the squirrelly gathering surrounding the brown thief, his eyes had a sparkle, and his teeth were visible in a wide grin.  And what will we do know that we are surrounded by such a furry assembly?

 

 

Compiled by Ultchuk
(All taken from the Newbie Pub)

 

Geeps: Khait, good work! Ult, you strike the orc hard with your invincible sword, I will hit him really hard with my staff, and that mighty blow will kill him. *hits Proof* See? He's dead! Now we can drink.

Ult: Ult looks at the Orc and think he's dead. Ult LMAO and drinks wit Grey Pelgrim (why they call u GeeperurwenAnd stands in middle of the pub. Who wants to fight mighty wizard wiht his big shiny sword? (you can mail me at Ultchuk@insane.com !)
 

Mon: aDMIRES WIZZIES WHO KILLED THE oRC

I'm gonna open a caption contest thread..who wants to have a guess with my pic.  I'm gonna look for a really cool and pic. 

"I'd join an army then we can go and attack hundreds of Orcs and kill them all dead!!"
 

Ult:Ult looks for more Orcs to kill but feels sad all of them r gone. Thinks this pub is dull since there's no fighting. Who wants to fight wit me? . Sees Grey Pelgrim wants to fight and pulls his shiny sword again

Hears Moneta and asks", yes where i can find your caption contest. Where can we find more orcs to kill? Thinks Moneta is also great warrior and sprints outside for his horse. After a while he comes back dragging an orc along he found spying at Orthanc Tower. MONETA, I have one!!!!!
 

Mon: mONETA HELPS THE dwarf Ult drag in the Orc and she draws her sword which doesn't have a name cause she can't think of one yet and begins to attack the orc with Ult .

What was it spying on?  Do you think it found Saruman's ring? Ult do you want a drink, can I IM you, I have IM.  I haven't found a pic for the caption contest but I will soon.  I want to be a member of a family?  Do you have family Ult?  Can I join your family?


Elvenpath: Elvenpath grimed to Ult: “You are a Dwarf, ‘cause you have a beard! Mighty wizzy don’t make me cry! You are a Dwarf, admit it!”

She ran hearing that the Grey Pilgrim wanted to fight her, but not because she was scared. She came back with a sword, she could barely carry and told him: “I’m ready to fight you. But you have to help me hold the sword!”

 

Mon: Taking her sord Moneta ran towards Ult, knocked him over with a single blow and stood proudly over her defeated opponent.
 

Ult: Ult is mad  and tells MONETA, I'm not a dwarf and not a stupid Elf. Legolas sucks!!!! I'm a might wizurd with big Sword like Gandelf. To Elvenpath he says also I'm not a dwarf.

Ult says to Grey Pillage, no 1 can beat mighty wizard and I have shiny sword, horse and eagle. (I think Tom Bombadil is a Blues Wizard! I read that somewhere on a sight, but cant find it anymore now)
To Dulienemon Ult says. I will spam myself 2 3300 punts The Orc is killed. Let orcs come 2 uz to fite!!!!
 

Mon: Moneta glares at Ult, your not a big wizard warrior cause I just beat you wif my sord

And Legolas does not suck, he was a beautiful elf with flowing locks and he battled the nasty orcs and was a good friend to Gimli cause I saw it in the movie and it was really good.

 

Found by Moneta:

Ult: Ult opens his eyes and looks around him and sees a wizard (taters) looking at him and he stands up and makes a deep bow: "How do you do most esteemed wizard. Why do I have the pleasure of having your pointy finger sticking in my chest? Are you a doctor of some sort or a Nazgul in disguise?

 

 

Like what you see here? Want to indulge in a little more craziness?
Click HERE for page one!
Click HERE for page two!
Click HERE for page three!

Had enough? Ahhh we don't blame ya... Go on, RETURN TO NORMALITY!