Do you lie awake at night, wrestling with fiendish questions such as: Is it correct to place a Balrog above a Nazgûl at dinner, Does one put milk in first, or add it to the brewed blood after pouring? How would one address a Mouth of Sauron by letter?

Do you?

Are you quite mad?

If the answer is yes, then you are going to need some kindly help before your urgent treatment. Within these pages we hope to introduce the frantic hostess, the perplexed correspondent and all other confused or dithering individuals to the niceties of surviving the social whirl in Mordor.

As with all good advice, we start with the basics: