To check on how chivalrous you may or may not already be, here is a short quiz. If you’re female, pretend you’re male.

1. A female sits next to you in a bar. What do you do? a) Buy her a drink. b) Offer her your drink. c) Ignore her completely until she buys her own drink.

2. A female Balrog sits on a chair in a bar, forgetting that it is wooden. She burns it to a crisp and falls to the floor. What is your reaction? a) Be extremely sympathetic, ask if she’s hurt, help her up (ignoring any second degree burns you may receive) and buy her a drink to soothe her bruises. b) Yell at the bartender to help her up, scold him for his shabby non-flameproof furniture, and demand he give her a drink immediately. c) Fall off your own stool laughing.

3. You’re on your way to work, when you’re rammed from the side by an errant female wainrider. What do you say? a) "I’m so sorry, I should look where I’m going. Are you hurt? Can I have your phone number so I can have my insurance company call you?" b) "I’m really sorry, but I’m late for work. Must dash!" c) "You idiot! Look what you’ve done to my brand new chariot! It’s a Black Murderer’s Wain (BMW), too! I had to work for three years to pay for it! I’m going to make you get me a new one...!"

There isn’t technically a correct answer for any of those questions, as they are a matter of opinion, but the best answer would be a) in every case. b) is acceptable but will not get you anywhere fast, and c) is pretty much digging your own grave. We females can turn very nasty when riled (or even when in a perfectly good mood, as the case may be.) Here is how the females are likely to have acted in each of the situations above.

1a) How sweet. She decides you can’t be all that bad, and you leave that night intact. Or better. 1b) This can work two ways, if the girl takes it at face value then you have a good chance of surviving the evening. If not... never mind. 1c) You’re sure to hear some nasty comments about the way you dress, look, or smell over the course of the evening.

2a) Again, she likes you, and you’ll do fine. 2b) This shifts responsibility over to the bartender, which means she will spare him. If she then decides to take her frustrations at the indignity of it all out on a nearby customer, get out of her range fast. 2c) I do believe that pile of ash on the floor is you. Look! You’re being swept up by the bartender the next morning!

3a) Need I say anything? 3b) This is fine in the short term. But if you ever see her again, don’t let her crash into you. 3c) One thing you’re not going to get out of that ranting is a new chariot. One thing you might get for free is a few new holes in your body, or complimentary amputation of one or two limbs.

Written by Seralqua