Fold your knees under your body and press your stomach, upper body, and face to the ground. Some degree of flexibility is required to do this. Stretch your arms out towards the feet of your superior-in-every-way (i.e. the person you are groveling in front of) but do not touch their feet, as some can be very fussy about hygiene. A picture paints a thousand words, as the saying goes, and position, in this respect, is everything.

Don’t overdo it with the life story, as this can cause boredom to me... er, I mean the person you are groveling to (that makes them the grovel-ee and you the grovel-er, I suppose) and they may silence you by removing your head. If they do that, remember it is nothing personal, as research has proven this method to be the most efficient. Uttering the words, "Shut up" takes 0.9 seconds with proper intonation, while a swing of the sword uses a mere 0.43 seconds, on average.

Flattery is another key. The grovel-ee does not want to hear your pathetic excuse for a life, they want to hear about their glorious achievements in every category of evildoing. If you don’t know what they’ve done (or worse still, know that they’ve not done anything) then put your imagination to use and insist that they singlehandedly massacred a battalion of elves at the Siege of Angmar. It is irrelevant that they couldn’t win against a blind kitten, or hadn’t been born yet at the time of the Siege. Tell them that you saw them there, that they were brilliant, and they will believe it because they want to.

If all else fails, give them money. And offer them the a selection of the entire contents of your loot-sack. Don’t be disheartened when they take your life’s possessions, because the alternative belonging they would have permanently borrowed from you would have been your life.

Written by Seralqua