Introduction
In this age, relationships are changing. No longer do people feel bound to date those of their own race. An increasing amount of beautiful intelligent elves, hobbits, women and Istari are falling for minions! This helpful book, compiled by the Istari’s own literature professor with helpful advice from registered agony aunt Luth, is an invaluable guide for those who indeed wish to love their minions without losing their minds.

Part 1: Help! I think I like a minion! what do I do!
First off, don’t panic! It's not a reflection on you! Remember the old phrase, "opposites attract". Just stay calm and decide whether you want to go ahead with it. To help you decide, try making a list of pros and cons like this one:

Pros
Powerful
Will be really different and cool

Cons
I'm a sweet, nature-loving elf
What would the children be like?

Once you have decided, find your minion and tell them. IT IS NO USE DROPPING HINTS! Minions are so wrapped up in themselves that they won't get anything except direct confrontation.

Part 2: Help! How do I date a minion?
There are two choices:

1) Go to Mordor! There are great places to visit - such as, er, the pub (The Swamp), or the more...*ahem* risqué establishments (you know where!) Unfortunately YOU MIGHT COME ACROSS FRIENDS ON THE MENU! If this happens merely "notice" the time and leave immediately. Remember, so long as you did not eat anything containing your friends, you are not in the wrong. Minions will be minions.

2) Bring them to your own fair city. Unfortunately this brings with it the added responsibilities of meeting your friends. Note: it is acceptable for minions to eat, for example, elves in Mordor. It is NOT acceptable for them to eat elves In Rivendell. If this happens simply say NO in a loud voice and spray them with a water gun.

If the date goes well, arrange another one. Try to make them all different. Maybe one night go and see a war with a lot of fighting and bloodshed. On another curl up for a cosy night of drinking ale and discussing the merits of various types of deaths. If, after a few of these dates, you are still alive and sane (although sane is optional) you're ready for Part 3...

Part 3: Help! I’m marrying a minion!
NEVER leave them at the altar. They will only hunt you down and eat you!

You must be clear from the start as to what is allowed at your wedding. For instance, you should accept that wearing white will be a bad idea. However, stink blossoms do not make an attractive bouquet.

Try not to hold it in Mordor, since the number of law-abiding celebrants are very few and any that come from other kingdoms risk being devoured ... or worse. However, holding the hen and stag parties in Mordor IS a fantastic idea - with any luck your minion will become so blotto he or she will forget their name, never mind the fact that you are getting married - thereby letting YOU off the hook.

If you still feel you have to go through with it then it's on to ... the honeymoon!

Part 4) Help! It's the wedding night and I don't know what to do!
*this part has been removed due to legal reasons concerning small children*

Part 5: Help! how do I live with a minion?
Buy two houses. One house can be used for beautiful decor, quiet dinner parties and working. The other one can be in Mordor. Paint the walls black and let the minion keep his own fridge and bathroom. NEVER EVER look in there. I’m warning you!

All relationships have their ups and, in this case, many downs. However true love (and fear of mauling) should keep you together through thick and thin. Remembering certain rules of conversation will keep it more harmonious:

DO
Plan parties, wars and nights of wild alcohol consumption.
Create that perfect "I’m wide awake, honest" look for most conversations.
Scream a lot, throw stuff and have painful, bloodfilled accidents (a sure aphrodisiac).

DON'T
Turn your back in an argument unless you really like pain.
Try to have serious discussions about: money, cleaning rotas (to a minion it’s not home without a little clutter or mould), your feelings (unless they are feelings of anger and bloodlust).

Part 6a: Help! I’m having a minion child!
*DISCLAIMER: We can’t advise on births. Get a trained doctor to do that. Or else just hit yourself over the head with a rock when the pain kicks in and hope for the best!*

ages 0-2
The most important time for learning. There have ben many debates about whether minion children are inherantly evil or whether they can be trained. However, half-minion children are most certainly able to be trained. Try to bring them up in an area away from Mordor.

Give them brightly-coloured toys with as little destructive power as possible! Always keep a water gun handy. If their games become at all violent give them a quick squirt!
(NOTE: do not breastfeed your minion. Unless you want a quick, cheap reduction!)

Ages 2-5
This is when they will start to interact. Hopefully their aggressive instinct will have been tamed. If not, swap your water spray for an acid spray. Do not be worried about poor performance, minions are notoriously thick. However, their natural cunning will prevail.

Part 6b: Help! I have a minion pre-teen!
Ages 5-10
This is the age where minions should be sent to live with their grandparents (on the minion side), that way you can not only claim - smugly - that you are doing the best for your child, but also the grandparents can deal with all those things you don't want to. You can then spend your days having parties and concentrating on your relationship.

Ages 10-12
This is where your minion should come back with a large streak of, well, minionitis. They should have retained some of their sweetness and light. Don’t try to cure the minionitis, this age is most important for making sure they do not turn into bubblegum-chewing minions who stick pictures of sexy balrogs on their walls.

Now things take a turn for the worse as we enter... the teenage years!

Part 6c: HELP!! i have a minion teenager!
Ages 13-18
It's a sad fact of life that being a minion and being a teenager are, quite possibly, the worst combination to live with. They don't just have bad hair days. They have..bad everything days! All of a sudden they start blowing fire, growing slime and become strangely attracted to dead things.

The best thing you can do is agree with everything your young minion says for these 5 years, even if they contradict themselves. Get them some support (there is another book in this series designed especially for them).

Try to get them intrested in minions of the opposite sex so that other non-minions will not suffer like you have done. Buy them some drums, it will help them to cool their aggression whilst ensuring a life-long love of heavy metal (which is essential for any self-respecting minion).

Hopefully by 18 they’ll have got themselves killed or wedded and you can breathe a sigh of relief, unless you had more than one child!

Part 7: Help! It’s all gone wrong!
They say breaking up is hard to do but breaking up with a minion is actually closer to say, a death wish. There are really two options:

1) You could try changing your name and perhaps your appearence and fleeing somewhere safe for the next few years.

2) You could try talking it over.

Make sure they’re real problems: mild inconveniences just have to be dealt with but if you think that your love has truly died then perhaps talk to them.

Sappy, meaningful conversation will be lost on a minion so ask them straight out: do you love me? If they’re not sure what that means (and many won't be) try a simpler approach, such as: would you rather eat flesh than be with me? If the answer is yes, then we’re back to fleeing (he/she didn't say whose flesh they wanted to eat did they?)

Don't expect your minion to be heartbroken nor expect anything in the way of support (this is why we had the two separate houses at the start). Stay away from Mordor, even in disguise. It might hurt to see your minion ravishing an elf only half an hour after your 20 years of marriage has ended.

If a minion should break up with you then I’m afraid you will never get them back. The best thing to do is find a nice clinic or help-house, have a good sob for a few years and get on with your life. However, having said that, minions do not leave relationships very easily. You must not imagine that flagrant disloyalty on their part is an indication that they like you less. On the contrary, minions think it is perfectly acceptable to have as many maidens or swains as possible.

Nevertheless, all things must end. If your relationship ends through bereavement, which is the most likely option, do not expect any sympathy from anyone.

Books coming soon from the same author!

Dating Vala - How to Love the Person Behind the Power
Self help for Teenage Minions
101 Novelty Songs about Dating Minions
How to make the Best out of Hysterical Scenes
So You’ve been Turned into a Badger? A Practical Handbook for the Afflicted

and a new series:

Dealing with a Split Personality (Case Study: Aragorn/Mormegil)
How to Confuse People (Case Study: Le Bob)

A further list of titles can be obtained by writing to the publisher's address: WhizzBang Books, Orthanc
(please note that DragonPost, Balrog Express and similarly combustible services are not welcome.)