Retrokat - see Picture Credits

Picture the scene: It is a cold and snowy winter's morning on the desolate plains outside the Black Gate. A huge and depressing image begins to focus in the eyes of the minions. 'Tis Mordor's Bane, The Assault Course.

You have thirty minutes in which to complete this course, everyone outside the rulers must take this course if they wish to remain in the army. Here is the description.

Row upon row of iron wain-wheels litter the ground ahead of you, tied together with braided elves' hair. You must run through these, choosing a line and making sure you step inside each of the wheels in your path. This will be an easy task for the smaller minions, but others WILL struggle.

Quickly following this is a wooden plank see-saw, you must run up this to the center before letting the top side fall to the ground and run forwards, this leads to a huge granite underground tube that is half-filled with water. You must enter this and crawl to the other side. (Balrogs beware; your flames may well go out, and Smaller Minions will need to swim due to the sheer size of it).

When you leave the other side you will be confronted with a cargo net wall . It is fashioned from the bones of dwarves and hoppits; blood is still dripping down from the freshly murdered slaves and the bones are very slippery. It goes up for around 100 feet before descending back to ground level. ALL Minions will have trouble with this.

Next there is a huge artificial slope to run up. It leads to overhead handrails that cross over a pass filled with jagged rocks and minion remains. Do not slip, boys and girls, it is a long fall to your certain doom.

Once across you will enter a cave with a rope bridge. The bridge is made up from a single length of rope for your feet and two lengths that run alongside at waist-height for the average man. It is made from asbestos and does not burn. The bridge goes across a valley that is filled with ash. Halfway across this valley the bridge stops. Its ends are fastened to the ceiling of the cave and you must jump down into the ash or be dismissed from the army. It looks a LOT further down than it really is.

Now the final part, you have a five mile run to the finish line. 400 yards before the end the field runs down into a valley there are two giant-spider-silk mesh nets (very sticky) suspended above the floor. The first net is for smaller minions and only a matter of two feet above the floor; the other is six feet from the floor and is meant for larger minions. You MUST choose the one meant for your size. You must crawl the last 400 yards on your bellies under the net, where your only problems are the hundreds of snakes and spiders infesting the valley. There are also a few dozen cave trolls on either side of the valley, hurling man-sized rocks down upon you.

Anyone who lives can stay in the Army. Good Luck...