From Medieval Woodcuts - see Picture Credits

*Recording recovered from the body of Reginald Barnes, "The Oliphaunt Hunter," by an Orc patrol at Cirith Ungol*

*Very accented Australian voice starts talking.*

Oh, welcome folks. After last week’s gorgeous shot of Nazgûl #7 I bet you doubted I could get any better. You couldn’t be more wrong! I’m now in the lair of a giant spider that's commonly known as a Shelob.

Crikey, these webs are getting pretty thick! There she is ... there! A giant Shelob! Gorgeous! She’s sleeping... let’s see what happens when I poke her in the eye with this stick!

*loud scream issues in background*

Gorgeous! Look at those magnificent markings! She’s a real beauty! She’s running towards me now at an incredible pace... Must be some kind of greeting gesture! Downright friendly - Crikey!

*Loud, wet-sounding thud is heard. Moaning can be heard for several minutes.*

*long silence*

*footsteps can be heard approaching*

Hey Lugbur... looks like Her Ladyship got mad at this one...

*chuckling is heard, presumably from orcs by the pitch*

Oh well, he looks fresh enough. Lets take him back, see what we can get for him from the cooks, eh?

*Transcript ends*

Written by Lightblighter