Mythical wild man of the wood; printer's mark of Günther Zainer
From Medieval Woodcuts - see Picture Credits

Being new to the business of life as a Cave Troll and not finding much literature on how to be a Cave Troll, I though I should write up some notes about my new discoveries: The Cave Troll (or trollii labyrinthae) is most numerous in Mordor, although there are outlying clans in other kingdoms. Cave Trolls are the largest of the Troll breeds, although their sizes can range widely from the smaller 8ft to more than 14ft. A typical Troll has grey skin. Adolescent Trolls often suffer from acute cases of acne, with the result that most adult Trolls are severely pockmarked. Indeed this affliction is so common that those unfortunate Trolls who do not spend their teens covered with suppurating, pus-filled sores generally become objects of derision and, in later life, these sad outcasts find that even their fellow smooth-skinned Trolls are unattractive and they rarely find mates. A Troll’s major Achilles heel is, of course, a tendency to turn to stone when caught in sunlight. Fortunately, there have been major advances in chemistry and the new and improved sun-screens (SPF 32,000) give long-term protection to Trolls on all but the most sunniest of days – which are rare in smoggy, smoke-filled Mordor). A Trolls favourite weapon is a large wooden club – usually studded with nails for added impact – and their usual mode of attack is frontal, brutal and indiscriminate. A large Troll in full attack mode is an awe-inspiring sight. There are some unwary Minions who under-estimate the skills of the Troll and, although they are not the sharpest pencil in the box, they do possess a great deal of native cunning which has enabled their survival for thousands of years. Indeed, their slow speech and clumsy movements will often lull an unsuspecting victim into a false sense of security and superiority. Although their usual mode of attack lacks delicacy or stealth, they do have appreciation for the finer, artistic things in life. One famous Troll (Ooghh the Elder) took great pleasure in creating artwork that was both innovative and powerful. It usually involved Hobbits, large iron stakes and macramé of great delicacy. Another Troll (Arrgash the Bent) was also famous for his brilliant collages created from (again) Hobbits, highly polished Ent-wood and other found objects. Another branch of the Troll family is the Sea Troll (trollii marinara). These are generally found in the South, scavenging along the shoreline. Their numbers are few due to their inability to swim and a great number of Sea Trolls juveniles drown during their initiation into the Clan. This involves the catching and cooking of a Kraken - a local delicacy when served boiled with mussels, kelp and squid ink. There is also the lesser-known Pygmy Forest Troll (trollii arborium minutae) and Alpine Troll (trollius yetii) but very little is known of these branches of the family – both being of a shy, retiring nature. If they are ever seen, it is usually just a brief glimpse by beings of alcoholic and unreliable natures and their descriptions are rarely coherent. A further report on the Troll’s social/family life will follow.

Written by Pushgork,