fed by disappearance of various travellers, and slime trails
detected by orc patrols.
Several garrison runners, one Khandian oliphaunt driver and two
military advisers from Harad had vanished in the far south-east
of the mountains within a matter of weeks.
Following instructions from "A", head of MI9, I traced their last
movements. A trail of orc food wrappers, pungent butts of Harad
cheroots and, not least, vast piles of dung led me to the lair.
I stepped within a noisome cave, brandishing a pitch-pine torch
and eight-foot spider-spear. Only one body was suspended in the web.
And he was alive.
Cut free the oliphaunt driver (for it was he) and dragged him outside.
He was extremely vexed. Accused Mordor of the theft of his beast.
It was with some satisfaction that I informed him that the animal had
run amok in the nearest garrison following attempts at recapture and
had last been seen, trumpeting madly, gallumphing in a southerly
direction. That shut him up.
Following interrogation, I learned that this man had preserved his
life through speech. Every time he spoke, the spider withdrew and
let him be, until it fell asleep. It would advance, salivating, the
following night. Until he spoke again. He is fortunate to have a
limitless store of Khandian Tales in his head, or he’d never have
lasted.
Intrigued, I packed him off in the direction off to the garrison, and
lay in wait for the spider. She advanced from the recesses of her
cave at dusk, and fairly screamed with rage to find her canary flown.
A scrawny creature, under average size for her type. I threatened her
eyes with the flame and jabbed her into a corner with the spear. She
burst into tears.
I dislike scenes. Especially from females. The subsequent
conversation was wearying, but here are the main points:
1) Schlug is her name.
2) Schlug has lived alone in the mountains for many years.
3) Schlug has no friends.
4) Schlug is very much a dear and loyal spider of Mordor... etc.
5) Schlug would like to have someone to talk to.
It transpires that the monster captured a wandering elf a few years
ago. Elf was most talkative. After centuries of silence, Schlug was
fascinated by his constant drivel. She could not understand a word
(presumably jaw-crackingly long hymns to Elbereth) but was entranced.
Alas for her, he died eventually of starvation. Ever since, she has
attempted to find another toy to beguile her tedious days, but most of
her captives swoon from fright or suffocation and therefore become
dinner. She isn’t very bright. Only the Oliphaunt driver had the
thousand or more tales necessary to keep him going... and the sense
to realise that they could save his life.
Rather embarrassingly, I had to tell her to cheer up and be a
good girl and that everything would turn out for the worst in
true Mordor fashion. She snivelled a bit and then tried to nip
me in the neck when I was leaving. So not entirely lost to the
Dark Cause after all. Had to lop one of her legs off, but she
can manage perfectly well with seven.
As a result of this discovery, I urgently recommend the following
measures be taken:
1) All spiders in the mountains to be monitored for psychological
disorders.
2) All spiders to be given refresher courses in Eevil. This one has
fallen so far from the old ways that the name of Elbereth had no
effect on her. A sure sign of back-sliding.
3) Any spider in extreme need to receive both counselling and
rehabilitation.
4) Any spider found to be gaga and beyond help should be sent at once
to Mirkwood.
I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant etc.
etc.,
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