A Spy report from The Shire

My mission is to spy out all the kingdoms of Middle-Earth, and to find out what the newest weapons technologies are in those kingdoms, and report it back to Mordor. I had already done Khazad-Dum, Fangorn, Gondor, and the city of the Rohorrim, so there were only two choices left: The Shire, and Rivendell. I chose the Shire, wanting to leave Rivendell for last, it obviously being the hardest of all the kingdoms to spy out. Also, I had a very large doubt that the Shire would reveal anything of interest for the scientists here at Mordor, it being a very dreary, laid-back kind of kingdom. But I went anyway, under the consideration that maybe that was the hobbits plan, to use the seeming boringness of their life to possibly hide some very endangering stuff.

I started my search in the obvious place, the local taverns. Listning to drunk hobbits talk I thought might reveal something. Besides, I had an excuse to purchase fine ale, which is tallied as an "expense", and paid by my company. The first few pubs turned up nothing . I kept at it though, and finally stumbled upon a little pub, way in the country, that seemed a bit far away from anything to be genuine. I went in, and found what I expected to find. There was nobody there. In fact, it struck me a bit odd that there wasn’t even anybody at the bar to get drinks. I went over to the fireplace, which balrogs really can not stay away from, and since there was no one there to see, I stepped in the flames to relax. However, what happened next was far from relaxing. As soon as I leaned agains the back of the fireplace, the whole thing revolved in the wall, so that the fireplace was on the inside of some kind of passageway. Of course I though this to be the thing that I had been searcing for, a secret testing-ground of some sort. So hobbits weren’t that boring after all. I travelled down the tunnel, which sloped down at a very steep angle, and it ended in a large room. And in the center of that room, a contraption which appeared so vast, so foul-looking and cruel, that I shuddered to think what it’s use could possibly be. It was a literal network of small glass pipes, larger iron ones, with a framework of wood. And in the center, a mammoth glass sphere, into which dripped a brown- bubbling liquid. I was absolutely amazed at the hobbits, who in their right minds would thing that innocent little hobbits could build a machine that, obviously, was a breeding center for some kind of cruel species? All of a sudden, I heard a grating noise from the direction of the tunnel. I hid as quickly as I could in an ajoining room, which appeared to be some kind of storage area. I looked out and saw two hobbits step into the room, and start examining the machinge. The talked a little, and I could just make out some of their words, which showed gleeful surprise, and excited gestures. Ha, I finally had something here to report back to Mordor. The hobbits left back up the tunnel, and I was just creeping out, when something in the storage room caught my eye. It was a brewery barrel. Beside it were hops, bottles of alcohol, and various varieties of oats. And, on a little work bench, a folder with the words "The Search For the Best Ale Ever". Laying beside it, a picture of the machine which was in the next room. A new distillery machine.

So I’m here to report what I carefully and daringly spied out, and finally comprehended of the Shire. Hobbits ARE boring.

Forwarded to Angmar by Aiwendell Khamul