Osse the Vala - A Judge and Lord of the Oceans
Vivienne the Maia- For the Prosecution (and Poetry)
Idril the WitchQueenKing of Angmar - Defendant
Isembard, Ruler of Moria - a suborned witness

Public Gallery - various onlookers and hecklers, including: Protoguy, Luth, Pipeweed, Mormegil, Lynda, Uruloki, Littledude87, Aska, Anonymouse, Collecthor, Pip...

Osse

A small figure in a hooded cloak scarpers up to Osse and hands him some parchment, before quickly disappearing. Osse looks at the documents.

"Hmm, Idril. Seems there are some inconsistencies here. You are accused of wilfully causing the discomfort and attempted drowning of a number of ducks that you knew had violent reactions to water. I’m afraid your minions were photographed." Brandishes a picture. The courtroom hubbub increases.

Idril

"Hmpf. That looks to me like the tragic annual Brandywine River Festival. Nothing to do with me. When did you ever see me or my servants in broad daylight anyway?"

The court stagnates. Sleepy bats occasionally venture out to snap up fat flies breeding in the cold mutton... The Witchking works away at papers. Nothing can happen until Viv or Osse get their charge-sheet in order. Therefore nearly all present are fast asleep...

Isembard

"Pssst, Idril," the dwarf king whispers, "can you remind me what’s in the bag already? Because I don’t really feel like opening it in here, for all eyes to see... and I might drop it in my mutton with amazement!"

(Aside)

"I hope..."

Idril

"Psst - Isembard, there’s enough chink there to keep you in mutton and ale for a year."

Isembard

"I seeeeeee... I hope it’s at least in large quantities, the beer and the mutton, yes?" [Here I go talking like Hercule Poirot again] "Now, would you like me to testify that the people throwing the ducks in the river are Momo’s boys?"

Idril

"Isembard, that is very... good of you, mon brave, but I don’t see how they can ever be proved to be my lot (in bright sunlight! Really.)"

Public Gallery

Collecthor: Enters peanut gallery with a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts baseball cap over his pointy hat, checks order sheet. "Who ordered the Krispy Kremes? I got two dozen original glazed, one dozen chocolate creme, one dozen cinnamon twists, and three with sprinkles."
Protoguy: "Oooh! Gimme those, thanks. Cinnamon ones for the horse outside the courthouse."

Idril

Explodes. "This is a COURT. There is currently a recess so eat your food outside the sanctum sanctorum, if you please." Paces up and down, dictating to audio-scribe-orc and checking the lists of usual suspects to be rounded up in dead-of- night house raids.

Public Gallery

Anonymouse: "Sounds like the pressure of court is finally getting to our despicable witch queen... Chocolate Chip cookies anyone?"
Protoguy: Oromë sits up. "Sorry!" Puts down chocolate creme, leaving a smudge on his nose.

Isembard

"What about the mutton?"

Idril

"Gngngngn... Mutton was provided for breaks such as this one. However I am NOT having this noble and er, well-respected seat of judicial rectitude turned into a pimping-ground for hawkers, buskers, card-sharps and sellers of dodgy snacks."

Public Gallery

Collecthor: "Oh try a Krispy Kreme, your Witchfulness -- you’ll never call them dodgy again!"

Idril

Stares at Collecthor, incapable of a) speech or b) deciding if the Istari has a death-wish.

Gives up and turns to her secretary. "Now, did you get that? Underline that bit... yes, just kill the children... the mother’s more useful alive. Send it by first-claws nazgul, will you?"

Isembard

"pssst, Idril, which children are you killing? It’s baaaad to kill children!"

Idril

"Stap me vitals, it is impossible to get any work done during this recess without some long-eared bod having a good listen... Isembard, The end justifies the means and Never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee... I have a lot of assassinations to arrange before dinner..."

Vivienne

During the previous conversation, Viv had gone out and as she comes back (her black robes perfectly clean and smooth) she passes Isembard. As she leans towards him to whisper something in his ear, he feels her dagger in his back.

"Very nice trick you pulled as my witness... now, go to the back and stick that mutton in your mouth before I remind you of what I had to pay you to come here today. As far as I know, Idril’s tortures are not the most feared in Khazad-Dum's halls."

Viv pushes him towards Protoguy, staring at his chocolate-smudged face. She turns towards the judge. "And I guess this means we’re going to have a LLL lick thread visit soon?" She walks forward and clutches the envelope.

"Lord of Waters, people of the court, you have heard the accusations against the Witchqueen. As you can see, she has still to explain her relation to Dodo, the Duck of Doom." Dodo quacks in anger and Idril stops him from jumping at Viv.

"Let me present you with the evidence that Dodo is under a torture regime and that he suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. Let me tell you a story."

As she is about to begin, the court whispers and the noise increases.

Isembard

"Pay me? Wait, people of the court! I have just come to realise that this woman has not paid me anything! I want my pay! After all, Idril paid me too... It just isn’t fair..."

Vivienne

Osse drops the hammer-judge-thingy and the court falls silent. Viv turns to address those present.

"This story is as follows. There once was a happy duck living in a pond. He had all he wanted: food, rest, a family... This community of ducks lived along the banks of the river Anduin. One day Dodo, for such is the name of our protagonist, was playing hide-and- seek with Didi, his duckling friend. After a while of playing, Didi called to Dodo, 'Dodo , Dodo, look! I’ve found something glittering in the pond!'

"Didi dived and as she came to the surface something round and brilliant glinted in her beak. Dodo looked at it open-mouthed. 'What do you think it is?' asked Didi. And Dodo answered, 'It’s precioussss... quackssss...'

"Didi looked confused and Dodo said, 'Givessss to me! Quacksss!!! Now.' Didi looked scared, 'What's happening Dodo? Dodo, get off! Dodo, no!!!!!!!'

"As you may imagine, Dodo killed Didi with three beak stabs to her side and took the glittering thing for himself. As you may imagine, this happened to be a ring... Dodo came back home and was shunned by the matriarchal leader of the ducks and he lived in a corner of the pond treasuring his preciousss. From this time on, he began hating water and couldn’t approach it without getting fits of anxiety..."

Idril

Idril looks fondly at Dodo. Dodo looks fondly at Idril. They love this story.

Vivienne

As Viv hears Isembard protesting, she throws her dagger, which goes through his beard and sticks him to the chair. She continues "However, as you may imagine... Idril, if you please, show Dodo’s feet... that’s it, thanks... ducks have no fingers to carry rings and one day, while Dodo was looking for food, the ring was lost. Dodo went insane and started quacking in desperation. He even dared to go back to his family, who at his sight started picking on his feathers and insulting him. As this was happening, a group of orcs came into view and assaulted the community of ducks. They were being led by a figure robed in black who seemed to cause dread in the ducks' ranks. As Osse was kind enough to show in the picture above, the Duck Community of the Anduin was destroyed completely..."

Isembard

"BOOOOUH!" shouts the audience, crying and weeping... [Well, that is cheering and laughing for the minions].

"But still, that doesn’t give me my pay... and what difference does it make, that Dodo killed Didi and not Dudu, or Dada?"

Vivienne

"...However, Dodo had been spared by orders of the Robed Figure and trembling, he was taken to her Hissing Highness, where he cowered under her arms. But do not think she hugged him! No! She slapped him on the face and demanded to know where the ring was. Dodo quacked in misery. After this, he was caged and taken into the Tower of Minas Ithil where his days passed in torture, famine and loneliness. Awkwardly enough, Dodo acquired the Stockholm Syndrome and he fell in love with his kidnapper: Idril the Witchqueen. Now I plead you, Dodo suffers, he is mistreated and he is sick, emotionally and physically. In this envelope I have the proofs of how he lives his life in anguish and I shall show them to you in a moment."

Viv opens the envelope and takes out a picture. "Here, you can see Dodo beside the bars of his cage, where he is kept without food or company for hours on end:"

The audience gasps and everybody goes awwwww...

Vivienne

"Dodo also suffered torture when he refused to say where the ring was (though you should remember that he really did not know). As you know, Dodo despised water and the appropiate torture was obviously the following:"

"As you can see, he is being hold by a torture artifact over the water. Isn’t this utterly cruel?"

"Finally, when Dodo could give no more and the torturers (i.e. Idril, the Witchqueen) were tired of his quacks, he was taken to see his family eaten by the Nazgûl, slowly and one by one. Only at the moment when he himself was over the plate (notice the greens as side dish), did he throw himself in the Witchqueen’s arms, swearing allegiance to her and telling her he would worship her until his wings turned grey:"

Viv sighs and the whole court stares in silence. "Dodo is sick. He’s got to be saved. And there’s no forgiveness for the cruelty of Mrs. Angmar. Thank you."

Viv sits and the court is still silent.

Idril

Idril rises to her full height and bends her baleful gaze upon the prosecuting barrister.

"O Viv, judge Osse, Valar, minions, gawpers and rubberneckers... This tale would bring a smile to the mouth of anyone, but I ask you - can you truly believe those weaselly photographs? Do you imagine that Angmar would hold a single green plant within its 20-foot thick walls of darkest adamant? No! I put it to you all that these are woefully faked, mendacious portraits of another duck. As you can see, Dodo is in wicked health, and steeped in evil. Look at his little red eyes and blood-stained bill. Does he look like the cheerful and healthy specimen in the pictures?"

Ghastly cooing ensues between WitchQueen and duck.

Vivienne

"Of course it’s Dodo, when he was happy."

Idril

The silence is broken by the most horrific and full-throated laughter to have rung through Angmar since Isidur bought it.

"I have to hand it to Viv; she has researched, manufactured and created the most glorious evidence." Applauds. "Unfortunately it is quite untrue."

"And I don't think a Duck of Doom would fall for the old knife-and-fork trick."

Public Gallery

Pip: Has been present the whole time and is still shocked by terrible pictures of poor duck.
Luth: "You know, the thing is, those pics are just too cheery. Her royal witchqueenness can't eat. So would she really have dishes? And what’s with all that light? Too sunny. Hmmm..."

Idril

Idril rises again.

"One and all. We are gathered here today to amuse ourselves at my expense. Have some more mutton. I would like to ask one question before the court is adjourned again.

"Am I on trial for cruelty, or for lack of cruelty? As WitchQueen/King of Angmar, I think you all know which charge would give me the most pleasure.

"Adieu, adieu, remember me."

Departs in swoosh of black robes, to grind knives in her private quarters.

Public Gallery

Mormegil: "Who gets to eat the duck when we have finished?"
Anonymouse: Whispers back to Luth, "Entirely right, just can’t see our old witch queen living like that... can’t see her owning a red torture bucket either..."
Aska: Sits in her corner, totally bored. She mumbles something about "... no case... they will never go through with this... fake evidence... shame..."

Idril

A platoon of mop-wielding minions enters the court and proceeds to scoop up bones, sweet-wrappers, crisp-packets, the odd dozing hobbit...

"Oyez, oyez," cries the UsherTroll, "all those snooping into the WitchQueen’s business are to proceed to Court 3 where this arraignment will continue to Perplex, Astonish and Sicken all who draw near."

Troll shuffles off in WQ’s sulphurous wake, tolling a cracked, rusty bell.

Back to Session One...        To Session Three...