Osse the Vala - A Judge and Lord of the Oceans
Vivienne the Maia- For the Prosecution (and Poetry)
Idril the WitchQueenKing of Angmar - Defendant
Isembard, Ruler of Moria - a suborned witness

Public Gallery - various onlookers and hecklers, including: Protoguy, Luth, Pipeweed, Mormegil, Lynda, Uruloki, Littledude87, Aska, Anonymouse, Collecthor, Pip...

Idril

Another archaic and gloomy cavernous hall of Angmar...

Trumpets, hautboys, serpents and sackbuts are blown with criminal disregard for the basic rules of harmony and the ears of bystanders.

Enter Idril (flouncing slightly). Enter Dodo the Demon Duck of Doom, Miss Vivienne the wily Prosecutor, Osse the Court Judge (who immediately falls asleep in vast throne). Enter the onlookers, barrackers, misdirected theatre-goers, idlers, ne’er-do-wells and tabloid journalists...

All sit. All rise as the UsherTroll mumbles something. All sit. Somebody bangs a desk with a large mallet and the court relapses into torpor while Dodo savages some worm-eaten law books, Viv arranges her papers and Idril stares into the darkest corners of the room, brooding...

Vivienne

Viv says, "Will Dodo please come to the front so we can examine his psychological standing? As it seems I have to remind you, we’re not talking about the Witchqueen's cruelty or insanity (this would be futile and senseless) but about the consequences her actions have on innocent dwellers of Middle Earth who happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Should I repeat that Dodo suffers?" The gallery sighs in boredom.

"People, wake up. We’re talking violence against animals here! Activism! Rights-of-Pets kind of thing! Think about publicity and profit, for god’s sake. I can’t believe you don’t see the potential."

Viv crashes back in her chair and ignores the noise that ensues.

Idril

Idril looks interested. "Aha. Define for me the rights of any biped, quadruped, creeping beast or beast of the air that passes within the bounds of my domain. Is not my purpose here to harry, torment, destroy and consume? Without me and the forces of eeevil there can be no good in Arda. Dammit, I’m a public service..."

Public Gallery

Mormegil: Moves a few chairs in the gallery to make some space and then unpacks his food and continues to watch, eating his tea.
Protoguy: Oromë slinks in the court. He takes out a small bag from his leathers and tries to open it very quietly. CRACKLE!! KRINKY KRINKLY CRINKLE!!!
Collecthor: "Hmmm... Harry, Torment, Destroy and Consume - sounds like that legal firm on the first floor of Minas Morgul..."
Pipeweed: Sensibly came invisible and with her mute button switched on so she can quietly snack on pork scratchings without disturbing the court.
Pip: Starts to sing loudly, and is quickly silenced.
Collecthor: "Mmmm I smell pork scratchings (is that the same as cracklings?)" Hears crunching next to him but sees no one - Witchking throws him yet another dirty look. "Yeesh, if looks could kill! Wait, her looks can kill! Don’t feel so good..."

Vivienne

Viv sits at her desk with her head buried under her hands and she listens intently to all the annoying comments in the court, thinks, thinks...

Public Gallery

Mormegil: "Yooo Hooooooo ! Miss Viv.... ! Miss Viv..."

Vivienne

Viv looks up and glares. "What?"

Public Gallery

Protoguy: "Umm, Vivienne. I notice that you have a small discipline problem. Might I offer my services as Bailiff? I am armed." Oromë extends his arm and a large spear appears.
Mormegil: "I am armed too," says Mormegil. He extends his arm and a thin... arm appears.
Pip: Following Mormegil's lead, waves arms, causing the whole courtroom to break into a Mexican Wave.

Vivienne

Viv stares at Oromë and then at Mormegil, then at Oromë, then at Dodo, then at the Mexican Wave, then at Dodo, Dodo quacks... Idril laughs, Osse snores.

Viv looks at the food and at the people, then she looks at the pictures, at the mutton and at the dwarf. She sighs. She keeps staring at Oromë and the spear, at Mormegil, at Pip Dawndeath...

She stands up, approaches Idril, takes Dodo, cracks his neck and starts plucking his feathers while humming happily, "This little duck went to Mordor, this little duck stayed at home, this little duck had roasted mutton, this little duck had none and this little duck, went wee wee wee all the way home..."

Public Gallery

Protoguy: Oromë walks carefully up to the babbling Maia. "There, there Viv, everything is going to be all right. Can I get you anything? A drink, a pork crackling? A straitjacket?" Viv looks up at him with a very blank expression in her eyes.

Vivienne

Keeps on humming and hides plucked feathers in her pockets.

Idril

"She’s snapped Dodo’s neck, plucked him, stuffed her pockets with feathers and YOU LOT ARE EATING PORK SCRATCHINGS?

"That is the clearest case of witness-nobbling and tampering with evidence I have ever seen. I am humbled. The wickedness of Viv is a bleak and damnable example to us all, and I believe my minions can learn a thing or two about heartless indifference from the public gallery."

Doesn’t know whether to laugh or rage, rage against the dying of the duck.

Public Gallery

Pip: Weeps for poor Dodo. Hates pork scratchings.
Anonymouse: "Now now..." pats WitchQueen on non-existent shoulder, "is there not something you could break in repayment? Like a neck? Bones? I suppose there's always cloning..."

Idril

"O minion. There is no use crying over quacked eggs or spilt milk. The Prosecutor has run mad, the Judge is asleep and the evidence has been eaten. The Public Gallery is virtually empty and the smell of rotting food is enough to give the roughest troll a bad case of nerves..."

Preens obnoxiously and winks at the prosecuting barrister.

"I do believe that the case is closed."

Isembard

A glassy-eyed dwarf approaches the Bench.

"Sorry, but I heard that there was free mutton in here..."

Vivienne

Viv winks back and rushes out of the door before anyone can stop her. As she disappears, Isembard kneels and takes something from the floor. He says, "She dropped this... a piece of paper. Shall I read it?" Idril nods. He reads:

Catfish Stew

5 pounds catfish, dressed
1/2 pound bacon, diced
3 pounds red potatoes, diced
2 pounds white onions, diced
5 cups water
6 eggs, hard boiled, diced
1 4-ounce can pimento, drained and diced
1 6-ounce can evaporated milk
salt and pepper to taste

Fry fish using corn meal, milk and seasonings until flesh flakes when poked with a fork. Fry bacon until crisp; remove from skillet and set aside. Fry potatoes and onion in bacon drippings until tender. Place fish in 4 cups water in cast iron dutch oven. Add bacon, potatoes, onion, eggs and pimento. Simmer for 1 to 1½ hours, adding water if needed. Add milk, stirring constantly, while seasoning with salt and pepper.

Isembard

"Must be tasty..."

Idril

"BUH!! Tormented in my own castle. AAAAAARGHS!" Produces crumpled portrait. "Never, ever... not my catfisssh. Furry fiend, spawn of Utumno, Irwin's gift... Behold its beauty."

Collapses.

Vivienne

Epilogue...

After the curtains have come down, a figure walks to the centre of the stage.

"What we could never determine from the above is this: what do catfish and ducks dream of? Later, by means of advanced and modern technology we were able to discover that torture and masochism is indeed present in these creatures' inner selves (at the bottom of their psychological traumas) so that even, in their unconscious, they are haunted by images of persecution and encagement plus a serious phobia of water... which may explain the hydrophobic WitchQueen’s fancy for these animals."

Thus ended the first and last experiment with legal processes in the realms of Mordor. What began with pomp and dignity dwindled to a glorious travesty of justice and utter chaos. Mordor once again proved itself impervious to the weakling "structures" so dear to the free peoples.

An Age passed before the minions recovered themselves and ceased to prate of rights and regulations, but the diabolical memory of Vivienne's wicked subversion is treasured by all in Mordor. These pages stand as a monument to her true, blistering evil.

Back to Session One...        Back to Session Two...

These pages rendered fit for reading by Idril Erumetari, sometime WitchKing of Angmar