All the latest from Slave2the1Ring, our man in the field with a chipped Palantir and a packet of Orc Scratchings

Misty Mountains: These distant outposts of our radiantly evil realm remain honeycombed with orc-warrens and troll-tunnels. While the erstwhile expedition is often waylaid, the occasional dwarf detoured, and odd elf expelled, the military potential of the vast armies found herein has not been realized. Of course this seeming lack of activity is a ruse to lull the soft, so-called "Free Peoples" into relaxing their guard. Stay tuned.

Rhûn: In Rhûn it is written - in runes of course - that the Moon resembles the mocking visage of a grinning skull. This serendipitous act of nature, aided by no little help of our Dark Lord, gazes maliciously upon the tributary peoples who provide fodder for Mordor’s armies. No updates available on unsubstantiated rumors of Blue Wizards.

Angmar: The Long Winter, which we all remember so fondly, is just one of the many lovely features which make this barren, embittered realm a favorite of Mordor’s thralls. When asked for comment, the Witch-King hissed "I’ll be back".

Forlindon and Harlindon: Speculative real-estate transactions pertaining to the Elf-Country remain rife. Cirdan’s abode has already been zoned as a landfill, but other areas still being parcelled out in Mordor’s application of a policy of Manifest Destiny. Get yours today!

Khand: Depicted as an indistinct and featureless realm by ignorant Western cartographers, Khand has blossomed as a fruitful realm under the malevolent guidance of our Dark Lord. The home of the Variags-a people with substantial grievances against the rebels of Gondor-this formerly forsaken realm is now a bountiful source of victuals and slaves (usually the survivors of failed Variag expeditions) which make their way in endless caravans to the heart of Mordor. Such favorable terms of trade are just one of the many magnanimous acts bestowed by our Dark Lord.

The Lonely Mountain: Recently vacated by a band of transient dwarves as a result of a Mordor-sponsored gentrification drive, this singular sentinel now stands vigil over the Desolation of Smaug, a waste-land which is itself a successful project of the Barad-dur Corps of Reclamation.

The Dead Marshes: Despite their appealing name, these trackless wastes are illuminated by the Corpse-Candles which mark the resting place of not only our innumerable enemies, but also those who perished unswervingly following the diktat of our Dark Lord - immortalizing even the lowliest servant of the Barad-dûr. Now you too can be memorialized as a martyr for Mordor by securing your exclusive plot in these mesmerizing waterfront properties. Don’t wait! Act now!
While this description is clearly aimed at a Second-Age audience, our market research is confident that the retro appeal of such places can only yield fortuitous results.

Isengard Recent unlicensed renovations by rogue contractors have lent a delightfully dismal and dilapidated demeanor to the lands immediately surrounding the tower of Orthanc. While the dispatching of the traitorous Saruman, unwelcome squatter in our Dark Lord’s western satellite, resulted in a meteoric rise in local property values, proximity to a nearby encampment of deluded Rohirrim-whose location is dimly remembered in distant memory as Hippo Campus-necessitates the regions continued fortification by Orcs, and their continued fortification by orc-draughts.

Mount Gram (Pain) The untimely death of the Great Goblin has resulted in the removal of the ruling house of the Dark Dynasty - the Great Eye’s client state in the northern Misty Mountains - to Mt. Pain. The choice of this remote location was finally made with the release of the award-winning jingle Choose Pain: Millions Have, which goes thusly:
The reign in Pain is an honor we won't disdain
To remain a stain, a blemish and bane
To Free Peoples' steadings upon Sauron's domain
Is a desire we can't contain
(End Quatrain).

The Dead Marshes Despite their appealing name these trackless wastes are illuminated by the Corpse-Candles, which mark the resting place of not only our innumerable enemies, but those who perished unswervingly following the diktat of our Dark Lord - immortalizing even the lowliest servant of the Barad-dûr. Now you too can be memorialized as a martyr for Mordor by securing your exclusive plot in these mesmerizing waterfront properties. Don’t wait! Act now!

While this description is clearly aimed at a Second-Age audience, our market research is confident that the retro appeal of such pleas can only yield fortuitous results.

All briefings above written by Slave 2 the 1 Ring, Mordoreporter-in-Chief for Angmar Press (AP)