Named in Quenya by the group of Minions (and one elf who was used for his architectural knowledge) who built it, the Dark Dreamy Haven is really the perfect place for any Minion to visit at any time of the year. A mere thirteen leagues out of central Mordor, it is ideally located for a quick trip between duty shifts, or even on those rare days off. An interesting bit of trivia about the naming of Morolostalondë is that although the Minions agreed on its title, the elf insisted on the word "Disneyland" which is of course gibberish. (As far as this reporter knows, it may be a rude phrase in some far-flung Kingdom’s language.) The elf was summarily dispatched, after a unanimous vote, and the park was opened to the Mordorian public in the year 1787 of the Second Age.

The park is still fully operational now; however, the mechanisms of some of the rides have gradually worn down slightly over the centuries. This is not a factor to worry about, the park’s casualty record has reached an all-time low of 846 in the last year! Tourists and Minions alike flock by the thousands to the infamous theme park, anxious to experience its delights firsthand.

Some of the rides available in the theme park are:

Khilkemen (the Mine Shaft)
This thrilling ride involves herding ten or so people into a cramped compartment resembling a cupboard. The cupboard, with the people inside it, is then dropped straight downwards for a distance of ninety feet. A cable is attached to the top of the cupboard to prevent it from slamming into the Mordorian soil with a great force. For maximum safety, this cable is replaced every five years, or after it snaps, whichever is sooner.

Rauko-sûl
The chance to rush along faster than a Nazgûl’s dark mount is not an opportunity to be missed! Not for the faint-hearted, this ride comprises a track made of iron and wood that twists, slopes and even turns itself upside down in places. An adapted dwarven mine cart is loaded with passengers and sent hurtling along the track. Survivors of this feature have informed me enthusiastically that they will go on this ride again, once their bones have mended.

Tunnel of Terror
Small two-creature boats, scuplted in the form of grinning skulls, sail tranquilly along an artificial lava river which flows through a carved tunnel of granite. The dark and quiet atmosphere gives ample means for you to slit the throat of your companion on the ride, or push them over the edge, or perform other imaginative methods of murder. This concept was cunningly formulated by the Minions, based on the ridiculous idea of a "Tunnel of Love" that the elven architect continually gabbled about.

These are only a few examples of the wonderful forms of entertainment to be found in the theme park. Within the grounds of the park there are also food stalls (offering delicacies such as roasted hedgehog tongue) and grand displays of skill at regular intervals. The knife throwing master, I have heard, is claimed to be able to skewer ten volunteers in as many seconds from a distance of thirty feet, blindfolded and throwing the knives over his shoulder!

By now you should realise that this theme park is not a venue to be ignored. So set your affairs in order, book a one-way ticket on the next wagon to Mordor, and prepare to enjoy, be amazed and awed by the magnificence that is Morolostalondë!