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Middle Earth Ever since the dawn of Arda, exploration has been a dream of many, but a reality for few. The lands of far-away posses a certain mystique that lures the bold, the daring, and the adventurous. Besides times of war, it is rare that the commonfolk of Middle-Earth ever journey outside of their own borders. This column is a weekly update of a minion’s travels through Arda, and is intended to display the wonders, history, and travel experiences found in our fantastic, if occasionally decrepit, world. Destination: Minas Tirith
The blinding sun greets me as my horse carries me over the Foramnest of Rammas Echor and the brilliant fortress of Minas Tirith comes into view, albeit being 10 miles further down. Never before have I seen the sun rise so high in the sky, but Mordor is called “the land of shadow” for a reason! For a January day in Gondor it is quite warm. Minas Tirith is quite arguably the largest, most beautiful, and most important city in the world of men, for although Helm’s Deep has been a nuisance to the armies of Mordor for centuries, it is by no means a city and is not nearly as important as Minas Tirith in terms of keeping our forces at bay. As I arrive at the gates of the white city, or Minas Anor as the ancient called it, I hear the sound of silver trumpets ringing from the battlements. Looking up, it is visible that someone important either is arriving or leaving. Feeling quite important indeed, I believe that they were heralding my arrival. Quickly the truth became evident, as Gandalf himself rides up to the gates of Minas Tirith. Well certainly that explains the confusion! Needless to say it comes as a bit of a shock to me that no one wants to talk about their city when asked, but then again the men of Gondor are tight-lipped around us Mordor folk. The highlight of the trip is undoubtedly my visits to the city’s archives. Coming to investigate the history of Minas Anor, I stumble upon some previously opened papers containing Isildur’s account of the finding of the One Ring, which unfortunately did not yield any information to me that would benefit our lord Sauron. When I inquire as to who had been last seen in the archives I am informed that it was, once again, Gandalf the Grey. During my studies in the archives I manage to retrieve this rather basic history of Minas Tirith:
The rising of the kingdom of Gondor, following the deaths of Elendil and Isildur during the days of the Last Alliance, necessitated the construction of a fortress, named Minas Anor or “Tower of the Setting Sun”, to protect against the wild men who resided near the White Mountains. Its tallest tower , the White Tower of Ecthelion, was a landmark seen for miles around, a glistening white spire reaching 300 feet in height, or 200 feet shorter than Orthanc in Isengard. The stone needed to craft the tower weighed over two million tons. There, in a secret chamber near the pinnacle of the structure, the palantir of Minas Anor was kept, and to this day it resides there in a hidden chamber. The city lied atop a large hill, perhaps 700 feet tall, and the city itself was approximately 20 times the diameter of the citadel, a figure which is not known. One shoulder of the city borders Mount Mindolluin, and it is on that side, at the fifth level, where the Hallows (tombs of dead Gondor kings and Stewards) are found in an enclosed area oly accessible by Fen Hollen, the “closed door” entrance built into the walls of the sixth circle. The outer wall, made of the same impossibly strong stone as the walls surrounding Orthanc, houses the Great Gates, the city’s main entrance. That wall is one of seven within the white city. Not initially an important city so much as an outpost, gradually Minas Anor’s function evolved through a summer residence for the king to his permanent residence, and it it now the capital city. The final change occure as a result of the Great Plague of 1636-37 that nearly wiped out the city of Osgiliath. When Minas Ithil, the sister city of Minas Anor, fell to the powers of Mordor in 2002 of the Third Age, the name of the white city was permanently changed to Minas Tirith, or “Tower of Guard”. This change signifies the return to power of the Dark Lord Sauron. The steward of Gondor ruled out of Minas Tirith from 2050 onward, for it was the year 2050 of the Third Age when Angmar challenged Earnur, king of Gondor, to single combat, and Earnur never returned home. The rule of Gondor under the stewards was a troubled one, as repeatedly the kingdom fell under attack: by Mordor in 2060 and 2475, the Brown Lands in 2510, Umbar in 2758, and Harad in 2885. The next action that occured is well known: The War of the Ring in 3018-19, that resulted in the final downfall of the forces of Mordor. During the War of the Ring, the battle of the Pelennor Fields can be highlightelas a key moment in the history of Minas Tirith, for it is there that Meriadoc Brandybuck and Eowyn brother of Eomer took on and defeated the Witch-King to turn the tide of battle. That battle was really won when Aragorn arrived with the navy to pin the forces of darkness. Folowing the War of the Ring Aragorn regained the throne of Gondor.
Upon finishing this history I am invited to stay as a guest in the Citadel atop the hill upon which I mentioned this fine city was built, but I am forced to decline their offer. My next stop is quite a ways away from Minas Anor, and I need to get going if there is to be a sequel As I leave the fortress I almost feel like turning around and staying, because I haven’t done all that much, but I hear the gates close behind me, signifying that a minion is no longer welcome. And it is off to the north I will go.

-Dark SnoGoon, Wainrider Note: For the purposes of this series I will now proceed to identify myself in the third person. Not to be stuck-up, but to promote character development.

Destination: Goblin-Town

The departure from Minas Tirith leads the intrepid traveler Dark SnoGoon north and west, for hundreds of miles. Journalists will be journalists, and this one knows he is working on a deadline. The mount of a wainrider is quite hardy indeed, which proves a necessity on this course. Heading away from the White Tower, the horse carries its rider north along the banks of the River Anduin, through the center of the Emyn Muil. He makes sure that throughout the first portion of his trek he stays east of the kingdom of Rohan, which is a wise decision. In this day and age the forces of good and evil are so opposed that an innocent journalist cannot journey unharmed through those lands without receiving a hostile visit from the Riders of the Mark.
The wainrider proceeds north through the Brown Lands, and near their northernmost border lies a fork in the path. Dark SnoGoon continues north along the Anduin, past the Silverlode, the Gladden Fields, and the River Ninglor, to the Old Ford. Upon reaching the Old Ford, he turns west and follows the Old Forest Road west to the Misty Mountains. A bit north of the point where Old Forest Road and the Misty Mountains intersect is the High Pass, in which lies a secret entrance to Goblin-Town, the very same one encountered by Thorin & Company en route to Erebor.
A goblin watchman spots Dark SnoGoon making his way toward the entrance, and greets him with traditional goblin hospitality toward men: That is, to say there is none displayed would be quite accurate. Rushing out with a vengeance, the goblin is surprised when he sees the Easterling approach him with a smile and said, “I am a journalist for Mordor. I come to investigate the happenings in your town for my paper. Obviously you are excited to see me since you rushed out so eagerly while UNARMED!”
After a brief and rather awkward silence, the watchman looks at himself and sees he was in fact without his trusty spear. Eliciting a weak smile, the embarrassed sentry offers an explanation:
“We don’t see much of you men-folk around these parts, you know, not since those blasted dwarves came and killed the Great Goblin. Still, we’ve been on our guard ever since, but a man took us so completely by surprise that I thought it might have been a bit of fun to kill you, figuring you were perhaps one of the Rohirrim or something, and somehow forgot my spear. But come, let’s hurry inside now. This light is not pleasing to me. Let me show you the way to the Great Goblin, where you must present yourself and your business in these parts.”
And so the wainrider follows his host. The goblins are not truly an independent species, but rather are Orcs that live in the Misty and Grey Mountains. The distinction between those who serve Sauron and those who reside in these mountain chains is made by the name. The two largest mountain cities inhabited by these evil folk are Gundabad and Goblin-town, of which the former is the capital. The ruler of Goblin-town is known as the Great Goblin, one of which was slain by Gandalf during the rescue of Thorin & Company during their quest to unseat Smaug. It is a Great Goblin who sits upon the throne of Goblin-town as Dark SnoGoon enters and kneels as a sign of respect.
“What brings you to my dark realm, rider of Mordor?” The Great Goblin’s raspy voice was not its usual self. A mild illness had taken many of the Orkish folk dwelling in the deep places of the world, and phlegm sprays the still air as it vanishes in the penetrating darkness. Few torches are lit in remembrance of the last time goblins and men met, at the Battle of Five Armies.
No answer comes, and the Goblin’s patience begins to wear thin. “You must have a reason to travel so far out of your way. The quicker you answer, the quicker we can facilitate your requests.”
The Easterling lifts his head in acknowledgement, replying, “Sir, I come on an important mission, of which my people show major concern. Listen to my requests. and you will soon understand.
“Your people live in caves and know little of the outside world, whereas my brethren are active forces in global affairs. Some minions wish to educate themselves, but recently a flare from Mount Doom resulted in an accidental fire in the Great Libraries of Barad-dur, completely destroying the Goblin archives. As a result, much of our knowledge of your people has been lost. I have been sent to translate your histories into the tongue of Mordor to restore our charred records to their former greatness. These records, in complete form, will be published fully in the next issue of our prestigious paper, Golden Rings and Bloody Things, as well as a compilation for the Library, either of which is available for you as well, although I doubt I will find anything you don’t already know.” The wainrider hopes his words will be acceptable to the Goblin Ruler, who is notoriously foul-tempered and unpredictable.
At last a decision is reached. “Your people have never been known for their brains, Easterling, but I can sense a ring of truth in your statement. How is it that such a tragedy has occurred under the Eye of the Dark Lord Sauron is not important to me. Let there be light!”
The whole throne room suddenly becomes brighter than day, and it is now apparent that the goblins lining the walls are actually carved stone figures with SCROLLS in their arms! The key to the research is found. But as Dark SnoGoon turns toward them, the Goblin interrupts his train of thought. “There is one thing we Goblins have always wanted from minions” he says menacingly. “Might you be in possession of an...Orcquilla Sunset?”
Taken by surprise, the Easterling laughs hysterically, only barely forcing out a response in between his rushed breathing. “Why didn’t you ask earlier, Sir? That is my favorite drink! All minions that can stomach it carry a flask of two on long journeys. Take two.”
The Great Goblin’s numerous assistants take the flasks from Dark SnoGoon and bring him a series of scrolls dictating the entire history of Goblin-town available in documentation. Although somewhat deficient, most of the missing information was not in the original archives, and the Easterling soon finishes his work. Here is the entry now being filed in the Library:
General Location: Misty Mountains.
Specific Location: Front entrance located at top of High Pass.
Current Status: Inhabited.
Current Ownership: Goblins.
Government Structure: Dictatorship headed of Great Goblin, patriarchal descent.
City Structure: Front and rear entrances, central cavern, underground lake,
numerous passages, secret doors.
Importance: Second largest goblin city.
Recent Rulers: Bolg the Great, Azog the Great (both rulers resided in Gundabad)
Most Notable For: Unintended visit by Thorin’s company of dwarves en route to
Erebor, during which Gandalf (Olorin) killed the Great Goblin and Bilbo found the One Ring.
Allied With: The Dark Powers (Mordor, Saruman, Wolves, Trolls).
Unfortunately, following the research Dark SnoGoon is forced to leave. He has a ways to go to reach his next location, and the goblins are rather happy to see him go. Idle visitors are unwanted by this foul race. As the wainrider mounts and turns to catch a last glimpse of the caverns, the secret door closes quietly behind him with a thud. It is time to move on again. The Easterling turns west and rides off into the sunset.
-Dark SnoGoon, Wainrider

All briefings above written by Dark Snogoon