If you are the One Hosting the Dinner

DO: Make a toast to Sauron before the meal.
DON’T: Make a toast to anyone else.
DO: Check to see what your guests will be eating; it is unacceptable to serve Elf when there will be Elves present.
DON’T: Undercook anything; if possible, give your guests a taste of Mordor flair and overcook it to burning! If they don’t like it, who cares? You’re a Minion. You’re famous for that.

If you are any attending Guest

DO: Take part in the toast to Sauron, especially if you are an Elf. For some reason, he won’t let it slide with Elves.
DON’T: Complain about the food- you’ll start a fight and end up getting people grouchy, and if there’s one thing you don’t want to see, it’s a grouchy Balrog.
DO: Not sit next to a Balrog. Your food will be overcooked anyway; you don’t want to make it worse.
DON’T: Complain about the smell of the room, the guests, the host, the food, anything. Just don’t complain at all. It’s a death wish (again) especially if you’re an Elf.
DO: Go. If you don’t they’ll track you down.

If you are an Attending Elf

DO: Bring your own food. If your host is careless (and DON’T complain about it) and accidentally serves Elf, drop it under the table (some Minion will pick it up and eat it eventually) and slip your own food onto your plate. Don’t just not touch the food, the host will notice and be insulted, and don’t leave your plate bare after you drop it onto the floor, for he will be insulted anyway since he didn’t see you eat it. Either of these will send you straight to the Halls of Mandos.
DON’T: Talk about anything having to do with your friends (if they’re Elves), your happy green home, or your hobbies. This’ll just make the other Minion guests think of times when they ate Elves’ friends, or when they raided Elf forests and ate the inhabitants, or when they ate Elves they found practicing archery on their friends.

There you have it. If I catch you acting rudely at dinner parties, I’ll tell Sauron you didn’t toast him.

Written by Nienna