Osse the Vala - A Judge and Lord of the Oceans
Vivienne the Maia- For the Prosecution (and Poetry)
Idril the WitchQueenKing of Angmar - Defendant
Isembard, Ruler of Moria - a suborned witness

Public Gallery - various onlookers and hecklers, including: Protoguy, Luth, Pipeweed, Mormegil, Lynda, Uruloki, Littledude87, Aska, Anonymouse, Collecthor, Pip...

Osse

The scene: An archaic courtroom in Angmar.

A beautiful Elf, bearing a remarkable resemblence to the Poetry Maia, but who appears to be wearing an arcane badge reading RSPCA, holds court. On the other side of the courtroom, the WitchKing sniffs snootily. Ghouls and dark creatures of nightmare hog the shadows. Osse speaks:

"The charge is that Angmar did, wilfully and with malice aforethought..."

"Of course with malice aforethought, everything I do is done maliciously," snarls Angmar.

"... turn a series of pets into rather kitsch items of decoration. Viv will present the evidence. Mutton will be served during the interval."

Vivienne

The court is full of noise and mutterings. A figure at one side of the courtroom approaches the center of the hall and everybody falls silent.

"I guess you must be our nearest option to a judge, oh watery one?" Viv says, then slides down the hall until she approaches Idril. She frowns. "Beforehand though, I have to ask for the accused to cover her ghostlike unface. She’s threatening the jury."

Osse coughs and says, "We don’t have a jury Viv."

Viv thinks... thinks. "Oh. Well, I’ll call my first witness then..." Osse coughs again. "Now what?"

Idril

Idril shows her teeth in a hideous grin.

Osse

"Um, we’ve had a small problem with some of the witnesses. The dwarf you wanted calling seems to have fallen off a stepladder and broken his neck, the two orcs for some reason decided to try sky-diving from Barad-dûr whilst holding cement blocks, and I don’t think it’s permissable to summon a furry catfish to the stand. So that leaves..." consults book, "...um, Idril."

Isembard

"Hello, hello", says a dwarf with a white beard, certainly incognito as he comes into the courtroom, "I heard people were serving free mutton in here, so I thought I could check on it...always good, a free meal."

Vivienne

Viv slaps her forehead and glares at Idril "Oh, what an amazing coincidence that my witnesses seem to have disappeared, isn’t it? Must be my bad luck... But you’re forgetting someone, Osse." Osse raises one eyebrow, "Yes?

Viv smiles, "You."

As Isembard comes in, Viv’s eyes glint...

Idril

Idril: (sotto voce) "Cursssessss...he survived..."
Viv: (smirks)
Osse: (looks at papers)
Isembard: (eats dead sheep)

Public Gallery

Protoguy: Munching popcorn from the gallery, Oromë watches intently as the drama unfolds
Luth: Sits next to Orome. "Share the popcorn?"

Isembard

Notices both undead and glittering eyes looking at him, and so raises head from mutton

"What? I mean, this is very good! Now, might I know why you are being so generous on this day? A special occasion maybe?"

Vivienne

Viv smiles at Osse "You’re saved for now. At least you can still stay judge-like there. But please, try to keep the floor dry, would you? I’m slipping."

She turns to Isembard, who is greedily taking food. "Isembard, you have arrived just in time. Please, come to the front. The mutton is indeed free but before, I have to ask you some simple questions." Isembard looks confused. "Please, come with me to that chair over there."

As Isembard passes besides Idril, she hisses and entends an invisible hand towards him. Viv rushes and pats her hand with her notebook. "Don’t even dare. The fact that your minions can’t tell the difference between two dwarves is only their fault." She pushes Isembard towards the chair and motions him to sit.

"Isembard, ruler of the dwarves, do you for the name of Eru Ilúvatar and your master Aulë swear to tell only the truth (or something that resembles the truth enough to be credible) and to not deceive this court (unless it is demanded of you by forces far stronger than your own)?"

Idril

Idril glowers. Viv’s notebook starts to curl at the edges and smoke. "Truth? In Angmar? Is this a mockery of justice? Is Melkor a bunny-hugger? Pah! You’ve got 20 minutes to start proceedings before the court is adjourned for pre-trial torture sessions."

Isembard

Confused, and staring at the many faces (and non-faces) around the room.

"Why yes, of course...that is, if I can continue eating my mutton ... I wouldn’t be very cooperative with an empty stomach..."

Vivienne

Viv blows her notebook’s edges and Isembard looks slightly sick. "Melkor is indeed a bunny-hugger (as can be consulted in Resolution #378, Melkor against the State: Stuffed Animals in Torture) but that is not the case in process. As you can see, the accused is trying to confuse those present, deviating attention from the principal concern of this court. Do not let her deceive you, she is crafty and wicked. Now, let’s focus on our witness. Isembard, do you know the accused? And if so, how did you meet her?"

Idril

Mutters to minion lurking behind her sumptuous chair. Minion scuttles out, his iron feet making unwholesome echoes ring around the stagnant air of the courthall. Munching from the gallery. Murmurs from the shadows. Idril drums her skeletal fingers.

"It is customary to brief the defence, myself," rises and bows to cheers, quelled by savage glares from the Vala-Judge "of any charges, exhibits, and so forth."

Vivienne

Viv bows to Isembard and stares at Idril. "We have a witness declaring here..."

Isembard

"Hmmm, well, I think I met her when I was walking along in Mordor one day, and she was yelling at orcs and stuff. Though I don’t really know if it IS her, after all, there’s nothing inside the cloak..."

Public Gallery

Pipeweed: Creeps up to join PG and Luth. "Actually you know I think that catfish should stand trial! Do you want a doughnut?"
Mormegil: Sneaks into public gallery and sits close to Protoguy.

Idril

"Stow it in the gallery, or I’ll clear my court! Now. O Viv. Am I being charged with yelling at orcs?"

Vivienne

Viv laughs. "Of course not. We’re just stating characteristics of the accused. I can’t charge you with something without knowing who you are or what you do. Will you let me finish my interrogatory then you can do your defence?... So Isembard, have you met her since? How would you describe her? Do you know if she’s a pet person? Have you met any of her pets?"

Public Gallery

Lynda: As Viv and Idril debate they are startled by a crash. Everyone turns to see Lynda fall through a window. Viv snaps, "SIT DOWN and BE QUIET!" Lynda scoots next to Luth.
Uruloki: The wainrider sidles in with large bag labelled "acme jail break kit".

Osse

"Quiet in the court or I’ll have the fires restarted and you’ll all be slow roasted. Charges and exhibits, some of ’em, are available in the Barad-dûr throne room. Any further exhibits to be placed in the care of the court as we progress.

Dwarf. Continue."

Public Gallery

Luth: "Dang that Vala’s keen hearing!" Passes round ale.
Lynda: The court is further disturbed by a crinkling noise. Lynda, suddenly aware of eyes glaring at her, looks up and raises a bag full of candy. Viv glides over to Lynda and snatches the bag. Lynda sinks in her seat and mumbles...

Isembard

"Hum, yes, sorry, was captivated by my food ... Apart from that specific occasion, I saw her walking on the fortifications of Barad-dûr, holding heads on pikeses... As for pets, I don’t remember seeing any with her...apart from a few werewolves and the likes... she often has dead crows around her neck in her necklace, and sometimes makes herself a crown of toadstools, but apart from that, I don’t see, really..."

Vivienne

"So, you do not remember her mentioning any of the following: Herman, Dollywen, Dodo? If so, which one and under which circumstances? Has any of your dwarves complained to you about the mysterious WitchQueen wanderings?"

Isembard

"Well, I don’t remember... Although she was quite useful when expelling a few of her own minions from my kingdom... they were quite annoying... And what was strange is that, as a token of her good will, she DID give me a stuffed bird, which I gave to dwarven children who were playing in a small kindermine close by..."

Vivienne

"The stuffed bird, how was it? What happened to it? Did it have signs of suffering? Do you think it was happy bird when it was alive? Can you tell us the feelings in your heart when you saw the little bird paralyzed and dead?"

Viv pauses and the expectation mounts

"Do you think the stuffed bird resembled a duck?"

Isembard

"Well, maybe you could ask one question at a time... I can’t think of the first one you said now..."

Takes a bite of mutton

"So, for the look of the bird, well, apart from the terrifying rictus that deformed its beak and the lack of feathers around many parts of his body, he looked perfectly happy. As for feelings, well... I’m a dwarf."

Hangs head in shame.

Public Gallery

Pipeweed: Waves hand in air, "I know where the duck is! if you mean the Dodo of Doom!" Has secret, invisible reserves of fudge.
Uruloki: "Easy Pipeweed, how many times do you want to betray Idril??"

Isembard

"HEY! She has fudge! I want fudge too! If she has fudge, I wish for fudge too... And don’t do any revelations. So, give me the fudge and be quiet...Fuuuudge..."

Public Gallery

Lynda: Tries to motion Isembard to be quiet and hides her remaining snacks under her seat.
Uruloki: "Here, can I have some fudge as well?"

Vivienne

Viv snaps her fingers and the invisible fudge floats over Uruloki, Lynda and Pipeweed’s heads.

"Isembard... calm. Answer this last question and you’re free to attack the fudge. Do you think the bird resembled a duck?"

Isembard

"Well, it had a large curvy beak, feathers, wings, so yes, you could say it looked like a duck... however, I really do not see what it has to do with Ms. Idril, as she is a very nice non-person!"

Vivienne

Viv snaps her fingers again; the fudge floats over to her hands and she starts eating it. Mmmm... it’s good. So, you were saying?"

Isembard's eyes look glassy.

Public Gallery

Littledude87: Crashes through the ceiling into the balcony. "Curse the stupid orcs. They grabbed me, stuck me on a stepladder and threw me off. No manners. Are those raisinettes?"
Protoguy: "Hey! Those are mine! Ouch!...Gimme!" Raisinettes scatter across the floor.
Aska: Sneaks into the courtroom, crawling. Being the hungry cave troll she is, she grabs as much food as she can and hides besides Uruloki.

Isembard

"I refuse to testify any further. And I take back everything I said, considering this... this treachery! The person who gave me the bird, and who paid me to accuse Idril is..."

Points finger at...

"Vivienne Imarsaelta!"

Public Gallery

Pipeweed: Gasps in theatrical shock.
Littledude: LD and PG go flying over the railing, smashing the Prosecution's desk.
Anonymouse: Sneaks into balcony in confusion and chaos. "Phew, it was hell getting in here...but I did bring chocolate cake..."
Mormegil: begins a chant: "Bring on the deceased, bring on the deceased." "Defendant!" someone whispers. "Oh yes... bring on the defendant..."

Osse

"Order! Order!" Osse bangs a haddock on the bench.

"Give me the fudge. And the Raisinettes. ALL of them, Orome. No, both hands please. Thank you. AND the chocolate cake, Anonymouse. I don’t care that it was a present from your dying old grandma. Good. Now, can we get back to the main business for the court? Thank you."

"We shall adjourn whilst we wait for Miss Viv to work out whether there are any charges to pursue."

Idril smirks. A brown paper packet is handed from her to Isembard.

Idril

"Thank you, m’lud.

"I would like to remind all loafers, laughers, idlers, miscreants, wastrels, spivs, fools, damfools and bubblegummers that this is my court.

"I am indulging Miss Viv’s demented desire to see justice of some kind done in Angmar. There are to be no random remarks pertaining to this case from the public gallery. Those with information will be called as witnesses in due course. If you have absolutely no idea of the legal procedures of Angmar (and why should you? I am usually judge, jury and executioner here) you would be advised to listen and be cautious. My dungeons are deep.

"Back to the business of the day. I need not call my own witness, now that Isembard has done his duty so splendidly." Pats Isembard on the back as the dwarf lord trousers the brown packet. "Now that I understand the prosecution is concentrating on the life and times of Dodo the Demon Duck of Doom, I have here evidence..."

Idril extends one black-robed arm. From her sleeve there is a bad-tempered quack and Dodo eventually emerges, looking cross.

SENSATION IN COURT

"So, if the prosecution would care to raise any other issues, I am here and shall hear." Returns to paperwork, scratching parchment with quill while Dodo sits huffily on her left shoulder, giving all present the evil eye. Isembard and Littledude are tucking into more mutton. Viv has smoothed down her legal robes following the brief hiatus and is glaring back at Dodo. Osse is gazing at the filthy ceiling and all those still conscious in the public gallery are staring at their feet.

To Session Two...

These pages rendered fit for reading by Idril Erumetari, sometime WitchKing of Angmar