Devilish Divinations My Brain and Me

Devilish Divinations
by Tarin

Aquarius ~ Still haven’t given up on that thought of perhaps someday finding your true love, eh? My, you’re a persistant one! Oh well, I don’t really know if I want to tell you it doesn’t exist yet again, as I’d just be repeating myself, I think, never sure these days. Since that’s the case, let me leave it at "go get ’em, tiger!", but watch out for the claws.

Pisces ~ So, you lent a friend some money? I do hope you weren’t too attached to it, as you won’t see it again without blowing their house up. Yes, I know it sounds fun, but it makes such a mess, and it’s generally rather hard to figure out which pile of ash was the money afterward. Believe me, I know from experience.

Aries ~ I do hope you weren’t trying to keep an evil image going, as people have found out that you have converted your entire bedroom into a shrine to Legolas. This really is a shame, as the whole "I’m gonna conquer the world" thing was going for you quite well right until then. Now I think only Fluffy Bunny Slippers would be afraid of you.

Taurus ~ I know you love the dark, I do as well. But really, you need to leave the confines of a house without any light on once in a while. You’re beginning to look like a Gollum clone. Of course, if this is the look you were actually going for, then it’s quite convincing, you just need to start slurring your R’s a bit more.

Gemini ~ So, you had a dream that you’d shrunk a few feet overnight? Don’t worry, I dream that all the time, just like I dream of taking over the world with a potato and a piece of string. Really, it’s not as odd as it sounds, and you’ll still be the same height as long as you don’t try to follow that blasted rabbit who’s always late for everything.

Cancer ~ Sewing’s not for you. Look, when you faint from blood loss because you manage to stab yourself so many times with the needles, run over your hand with the machine, and stain all the white cloth you were working with a nice red shade, it’s time to give it up. I would suggest something else, but frankly, you’re sunk. I know if you can’t sew, I’d definitely not trust you with the things used for other hobbies. Cooking, for example.

Leo ~ People are never going to believe you. Yes, they can see through your facade, and it would be best if you just gave up now. There’s proof to the contrary of what you say, and if you keep saying it, people are just going to think you’re a bit ditzy. So give it up, no one is ever going to believe you invented the wheel.

Virgo ~ It’s happened. Yes. It. Because of that, and with them. Over there, in the place, with the others, and the stuff. You know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s happened, and you can relax. Because it happened, it will only improve from here, and the people with the stuff will finally stop with the thing you didn’t like.

Libra ~ No, trying to set you on fire while you walk past is not a sign of affection. I know it’s hard to accept, but that person really does not like you. I’m pretty sure he’s plotting your untimely demise as we speak. Of course, that could be fun, but something tells me the fun wouldn’t be on your end.

Scorpio ~ I know you think that being insane is fun, but it’s also rather hazardous to your health. I’ve seen your day planner, and may I just point out that this is definitely not the time of year to go swimming in Orodruin. You might want to wait a few months until the ash levels drop, then you might actually survive a few extra seconds.

Sagittarius ~ Raising farm animals inside your house is just not normal. Letting them sleep at the foot of your bed is even less normal. Feeding them at the table with you classifies you as a resident nut. I know you love your animals, but face it. They’re not cats, or dogs, and it’s just not normal to be eating at the same table as a goat.

Capricorn ~ You did it. I can’t believe you did. That’s just asking for trouble, and he’s going to hate you for the rest of your life. If you didn’t already know that, you do now. Can you really blame him? You really asked for it. Anyone who would name their son Rosie would be. That’s just mean.

Devilish Divinations My Brain and Me

My Brain and Me ~ the Perfect Relationship?
by Synd

I’m not usually one for psycho-analysing myself, but after reading all those all those little quizzes and seeing all those experts on TV, I have got to wondering if I may have already found the perfect relationship … with my brain.

Well … one thing I should probably tell you first is that my brain leads a semi-independent life of it’s own. Which is actually fine by me, it gives me more time in which to perfect my true talent – sleeping. Now whilst this sport does have its critics, to me it is a serious hobby. It is not for nothing that I practice every day, with extended 12- hour training periods at the weekends. My brain gets to read voraciously and dream of the day when it will rule the world … oops … wasn’t meant to mention that bit. I suppose it’ll just have to invent a memory erasing zappy gun so you’ll all forget what you just read.

So far so good, we both have hobbies that mean we aren’t cooped up together all day. And we both get to meet a variety of other people … for me it’s the pink polka-dot oliphaunts that live in my dreams … and for my brain it’s the evil henchmen and underlings that naturally congregate around the next ruler of the world.

Recently though we had a little *cough* tiff, well, you could probably class it more as a full scale row in which insults were hurled and the Treaty of the Chocolate was rescinded when my brain, who is a big meanie, denied me access to a bar of Dairy Milk. I know, I know, a heinous crime.

Despite the fact that I was the one starved of chocolate my brain used this little “incident” as the basis for a “talk”. Yup, one of those “talks”, in which every aspect of the relationship is minutely examined, and then declared to be my fault. Figures. So my brain decided it needed “personal space” and “me-time” to think about the “relationship”. I mean really how much space does a brain actually need? Then, and this was the worst bit, it decides to go on holiday to do this thinking. Now, I can see what some of you may be saying to yourselves, a bit of time and space isn’t always a bad thing in such a close relationship, and a holiday is a good way to de-stress. But if anyone is going to go and lie on a beach and soak up the sun it should be me, right? And adding insult to injury the traitor decided to go on holiday to Australia, my dream holiday destination! *cries*

So here I am, stuck at home, whilst it goes gallivanting around the world. Though I must admit to taking a certain malicious pleasure in the fact that it struggled to open the bag of complimentary peanuts on the plane without hands to help it *snickers* The fact that I have resorted to snickering here though must be a bad sign, nothing good ever comes of snickering.

But, mad as I am, I can’t help thinking of all the good things we do together. Like laughing at the poor saps all alone on Valentine’s Day, having the necessary hand, eye and brain co-ordination to get out of the chair and go downstairs to help myself to a big slab of chocolate fudge cake, and of course posting on the Plaza.

The answer I think has to be no. It’s not the perfect relationship, or I wouldn’t be annoyed enough to kill it right now, but it is pretty good. So instead of analysing myself I’m going to go and train for a little while and once my brain is back, I’m going to stuff cotton wool in my ears so it can never escape me again. Mwahahahahahahahaha!