Twas the Night before Elfmas The Christmas Song The Hobbit Song

Twas the Night Before Elfmas
by Clement Clarke Moriquendi

Twas the night before Elfmas, when all through the Plaza
Not a creature was posting, not even a snaga
The Hobbits were hung by their knickers with care
In hopes that St. Saruman soon would be there

The Elflings were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of hot rollers primping their heads
Elrond in his kerchief was ready for a nap
Glorfindel just having returned from the Gap

When out by the waterfall there arose such a clatter
Twin pretty boys jumped up to see what was the matter
away to the East arrows flew like a flash
what in Middle-earth could have made such a splash?

But posting was difficult, the Plaza was slow
was Goth Chick behind this? Or Peegums, or Mo?
Soon things were fixed, and all was made clear
St. Saruman had arrived, his face all a’sneer

His voice roused the dragons, the free peoples hid quick
the lore had all told them this guy was quite sick.
But soon came the eagles, and Gandalf too came
both wizards growled and called their beasts by name.

"Now Ancalagon! now Gwaihir! now Scatha and Meneldor
On Landroval! On Glaurung! on Smaug and Thorondor!
To the top of the Last Homely House, hurry up all!
St. Gandalf needs wisdom, St. Saruman a new thrall!"

It was said not idly did the leaves of Lorien fly
Little pointy-eared heads asking why, ada, WHY?
Then to the top of Orthanc the wizards they flew
With uruks making noise, and St. Saruman too

Suddenly Lord Elrond awoke from his snooze
sneaking and creaking and looking for booze
as he stumbled and bumbled and turned all around
into the library Glorfindel came with a bound

He was decked out in glitter, from his head to his boots
reeking of peroxide, having just touched up his roots
"St. Saruman is coming, make no mistake!
Imladris will be ready, we must bake a cake!"

His eyes how they twinkled, his demeanor quite scary
He looked like a cross between Pippin and Merry
They soon sent out word to Big Mama in Lorien
"St. Saruman built a time machine out of a DeLorean!"

"Dear Lady Galadriel, send aid if you please
if St. Saruman can change time, we’ll be down on our knees
worshipping Morgoth, and then there’s no telling
just what kind of monstrosities Isengard will be selling."

"And imagine Tom Bombadil, that right jolly old elf,
how much of a fool will he make of himself?
Do we leave it to Treebeard and Gandalf to stop Saruman?
Or do we send out to the Shire for a holiday ham?"

Too much thinking has a way of frizzing blond hair
and all Elrond and Glorfindel could do was to stare
at the circle of smoke arising from the fires of industry
Galadriel and Celeborn joined Haldir to cry in their trees

But the future was brighter than they all had predicted
Morgoth was busy and Sauron’s schedule conflicted
The DeLorean soon stalled, causing Saruman to shout out
"Happy Elfmas to all, and to all a good pout!"

Twas the Night before Elfmas The Christmas Song The Hobbit Song

♫ The Christmas Song
(Originally, the Christmas Song)
by Tarin

Frodo’s clinging to the One Ring,
Gollum’s nipping at his nose,
Yuletide perils being sung to the King,
And wizards dressed up as C.E.O.’s

Everybody knows a Dwarfette and some Elf toes,
Help increase the season’s blight.
Tiny Hobbits with their swords all aglow,
Will hide from Shelob tonight.

They’ve heard that Sauron’s on his way;
He knows there’s lots of people with which to play.
And every Dwarven child is gonna spy,
To see if Mahal really knows how to fly.

And so I’m offering this simple phrase,
To plazarites from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
Merry Christmas to you.

Twas the Night before Elfmas The Christmas Song The Hobbit Song

The Hobbit Song ♫
Originally the Llama Song by Llama)
by Tarin

Here’s a hobbit,
there’s a hobbit
and another little hobbit.
Chubby hobbit,
chatty hobbit.
Hobbit hobbit
moose.

Hobbit hobbit,
chocolate,
hobbit.
Elf,
Dwarf,
Vala,
hobbit.
Hobbit hobbit,
Entmaid
hobbit.
Hobbit hobbit
moose.

I was once a minion,
I lived with a snake.
But I never saw the way
The Dwarfette ate the cake.
I was only three days wraith,
But I sold a tale.
And now listen, lunchmeat dear
Before your life does fail.

Did you ever see a hobbit?
Kiss a hobbit?
Wear a hobbit?
Hoppit’s hobbit
smell of hobbit.
Hobbit hobbit
moose.

Half a hobbit,
limegreen hobbit.
Not a hobbit,
Rohir,
hobbit.
Hobbit in a fire,
eat a hobbit,
hobbit,
moose.

Is this how they’re baked now?
Is it all so old?
Is it made of minion food?
Mordor,
torture,
cold?
Now my song is getting thin,
Hobbits are hunting my goose.
Time for me to run away now,
and become a moose.